Pointless Drivel

Last train to Coolsville...

2006-09-30T08:50:00.000-04:00

Hey kids, if you haven't signed up yet for exLinks, it's not too late, you can do so here.

By the way, this is my old blog. My new one is at http:pointless-drivel.com

Now, as far as this exLinks thing goes, it's going to be the next big thing. Hey, have I ever lied to you before? Okay, but about anything imortant?

I did a post a few days ago about exLinks. Be sure and read the comments. Paul, an administrator from BlogMad, weighed in several times. His responses are in bold. You can read that post here.

See you on the other side!

Follow me.....

2006-08-11T00:02:00.000-04:00

The move is complete! I have moved to Wordpress and my own domain. My new address is:

www.pointless-drivel.com

Please adjust your browsers, search engines, favorites, bookmarks, bloglines, blogrolling, trousers, underwear, thinking, attitude, and state of mind to the new URL.

We apologize for the trouble. But we look forward to seeing you at the new digs!

Just a little turbulence folks...no worries

2006-08-10T00:04:00.000-04:00

Easy now, folks. Don't panic, everybody stay frosty. We may be experiencing some turbulence today. At some point today the move to Wordpress and the new domain will begin, and things may get a bit wonky for a bit. We don't have any air sickness bags, so if you start to feel nauseous try to throw up on a poor person.

With that in mind, I figured I would just post a few pictures today that I have been holding onto for just such an occasion.

Here is an excellent reason why Mrs. Fab and I do not have children. The horror! The horror!

Can you imagine? I am shuddering as I type this. You can't tell, but I totally am.

As for this kid, she must have been lost:

And this? Best. Babyfood. Ever.

And last but not least. What do you think? Think this smoking area is a little heavy handed?

Okay, that's it for today. Nothing more to see here. Hopefully next time you fly Pointless Drivel we will have a shiny new airplane so you can travel in style.

That analogy totally sucked. But it's late and I'm tired.

Buh-bye!

I can't resist a music meme...

2006-08-09T00:01:00.000-04:00

But first, I am going to try my best to go back to putting up one post per day. Well, two if I do a "Spiritual Side" post. That's the problem with having all this free time. I could easily do ten posts a day if it weren't for my impressive self-control.

If you have not yet clicked over and given some love to my tenant, Noi, please do so. She has been a surprisingly good tenant this week. She has promised to give me a massage later, and I think she is going to tell me a bedtime story too, because she said something about a happy ending.

Okay...

I saw this at the always fabulous Dixie's site and I just had to have it. I won't be able to fill it out as completely as she did, because my musical tastes are not as well rounded. But I'll do the best I can, and where I fall short I will readily cop to my lack of knowledge or interest.

This was fun and a bit challenging to do. It's hard to narrow all the possible choices to just a few. Plus I had to do a little research to make sure I put songs in the right category. I also added a few segments of my own.

The idea behind the meme is that it's about music, and that you can put up to three answers to any question. But no more. One answer is OK, two answers is OK, three answers is OK. Four is not OK, and five is right out. Unless otherwise indicated, you can only choose songs, and be specific--putting "anything by Madonna" doesn't count.

NAME UP TO THREE:

Song(s) That I Loath to the Core of My Being
Stairway to Heaven - Led Zeppelin
Just Another Brick in the Wall - Pink Floyd
Aqualung - Jethro Tull

Musical artist(s) That I Loath to the Core of My Being
John Denver
Michael Bolton
Celine Dion

Rolling Stones Song(s) I Love
19th Nervous Breakdown
Sympathy For The Devil
Paint it Black

Beatles Song(s) I Love
Paperback Writer
Baby You Can Drive My Car
A Day In the Life

Who Song(s) I Love
Pictures of Lily
Who Are You
I Can't Explain

Dylan Song(s) I Love
Hurricane
Highway 61 Revisited
Tangled Up in Blue

Reggae Songs I Love
Sorry. Out of my element here. The only songs I know that have reggae elements are early Police songs

Country Song(s) I Love
The Song Remembers When-Trisha Yearwood
What Mattered Most--Ty Herndon
How Do You Like Me Now-Toby Keith

Country Artist(s) I Love
Patty Loveless
The Dixie Chicks
Brad Paisley

Movie Soundtrack(s) I Love
Purple Rain
Reservoir Dogs
This is Spinal Tap

Musical Sountrack(s) I Love
Chess
1776
My Fair Lady

Cover Song(s) I Love
Knockin' On Heaven's Door--Warren Zevon
Hazy Shade of Winter--The Bangles
Me and Bobby McGee--Janis Joplin

Contemporary Top-40 Artist(s) I Secretly Love
Anna Nalick
Shakira
The Pussycat Dolls (shut up)

Song(s) That Bring Me To Tears
The Walk--Sawyer Brown
Keep Me in Your Heart--Warren Zevon

Song(s) That Make Me Shake My Ass
Neutron Dance--The Pointer Sisters
Lady Marmelade--Patti Labelle

Classical Composer(s) I Love
Not this boy, sorry.

Rap/Hip Hop Songs I Love
Cleaning Out My Closet - Eminem
Mama Said Knock You Out - LL Cool J

70s Disco Song(s) I Love
Funkytown - Lipps, Inc.
Turn The Beat Around - Vickie Sue Robinson
That's The Way I Like It - K.C. & the Sunshine Band

70s Supergroup Song(s) I Love
Come Sail Away--Styx
Most of the supergroup songs I love were made in the early 80's

Metal Song(s) I Love
Don't Fear the Reaper--Blue Oyster Cult
That's as metal as I get, I am afraid

Novelty Song(s) I Love
The Homecoming Queen's Got a Gun - Julie Brown
Convoy--CW McCall (I refuse to apologize for this)

New Wave Song(s) I Love
Don't Stand So Close to Me - The Police
No Compassion - Talking Heads
One Way Or Another - Blondie

Soul/R&B Songs I Love
Use Me - Bill Withers
Tracks of My Tears - Smokey Robinson
(Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay - Otis Redding

Power Ballad(s) I Love
Every Rose Has Its Thorn - Poison
Amanda - Boston
Can't Fight This Feeling - REO Speedwagon

Pre 1950s Song(s) I Love
Was there music before 1950?

Punk Song(s) I Love
London Calling - The Clash
Rock and Roll Nigger - Patti Smith
Psycho Killer - Talking Heads

80's Song(s) I Love
Never Say Never - Romeo Void
Don't Pay The Ferryman - Chris DeBurgh
Come On Eileen--Dexy's Midnight Runners

Singer/Songwriter Songs I Love
Seven year Ache - Rosanne Cash
Sex + Gasoline - Rodney Crowell
Love Like Blood--John Hiatt

MTV Video(s) I Love
Objection (Tango)--Shakira
Boys of Summer--Don Henley
Centerfold--J. Geils Band

CMT Video(s) I Love
Celebrity--Brad Paisley
Born To Fly--Sara Evans
How Do You Like Me Now--Toby Keith

Song(s) to Have Sex To
Wicked Game--Chris Isaak
You're Lost That Loving Feeling--Righteous Brothers
Fuck Her Gently--Tenacious D (just making sure you're still paying attention)

None of the Above Song(s) I Love
You're So Vain--Carly Simon
I'm an Adult Now--The Pursuit of Happiness
The Heart of the Matter--Don Henley

That was exhausting. But I loves me some music!

Oh stop whining. I'm not going to tag anyone.

Et Tu, Father Time?

2006-08-08T12:10:00.000-04:00

Well.

It appears I am getting age spots on the backs of my hands.

Great. Only one thing to do now.

Car? check
Garden hose? check
Duct tape? check
Unventilated area? check

'Scuse me, willya?

The spiritual side of Mr. Fabulous (part 3)

2006-08-08T03:28:00.000-04:00

It's not common knowledge, but when I die, I am gonna be tapped for halo distribution in Heaven. So if you want a good one (not one of those refurbished deals) you might want to start being nice to me now.

I'm just saying.

Panty Meme, Panty Meme (say it three times fast)

2006-08-08T03:26:00.000-04:00

Okay, so Tug tagged me with this Panty Meme because I commented on Martiza's site that I was disappointed she hadn't tagged me with this (for the record, Tug, I'm pretty sure I didn't whine).

Hey, the first rule at Pointless Drivel is to accept all challenges. Hence this post. So here is the deal:

Welcome to the panty meme. Here's how it works.
1. Copy the entire text of this post (the part shown in italics) and post in your blog. Reminder:Do not copy photos.
2. Add your name and link to the Panty Meme Participants list below.
3. Post a picture of panties. It's fun if you post a picture of your own panties, but it does not have to be. And BTW you don't need to be wearing them, but it's your blog you can do what you like.
4. Tag two people and change out the names below.That's it. Oh yeah....Have fun!

Participants:
Kelly
Gingerbread
Martiza
Tug
Mr. Fab

Tagged:
Tense Teacher (stick me with a creative writing meme, willya?)
Ms. Demmie

I feel like tagging more, but I won't break the rules, like some people I could mention, eh Tuggster? :)

Now, I showed this meme to Mrs. Fab, because I figured I would need her to take the photo(s). I was in full diva mode, wondering out loud which shot would be most artistic. Should I be wearing them? Perhaps with them tugged down a bit to show my sexy sexy tan lines? Should I wear the black ones or the red ones? What would be the best angle? Which room had the best light? So many things to consider...

Mrs. Fab solved the problem easily. "Why don't you take a picture of them on their native soil? The floor."
Sigh...fine.

One brain, over easy...

2006-08-07T10:49:00.000-04:00

Things I was thinking about while I was in the tanning bed just a few minutes ago:

1. "Art, commerce, art, commerce, art, commerce..."
2. "I wonder what happened to the mirror in here."
3. "Why is Autumn never working when I come in? I like Autumn"
4. "I can't forget I am meeting Janette for lunch today at Pomodoro.
5. "It sucks that there is a Starbucks next door. I miss my Frappacino's."
6. "I will never have the guts to walk into the nail salon next door."
7. "I need to go to Publix today to replace the Coke Zero of Mrs. Fab's that I am drinking today." (sorry baby)
8. "I need to write my resume today."
9. "I could just update it if I could find the old one. It's probably where my earpiece is."
10. "I wonder if I took off my eye protection, I would absorb the ultraviolet light and develop cool superpowers like Cyclops."

My dooced "to do" list...

2006-08-07T03:59:00.000-04:00

As many of you know, on July 26, 2006 at approximately 5:00 pm I was dooced. Sacked. Canned. Fired. Terminated. Because of my blog.

Now that the grieving process has run its course, it is time for me to be practical, to think of the future. Today is the first day of the rest of my life after all, correct?

Here is my post-dooced "to do" list:

I am going to need to choose a shopping cart to put all my worldly belongings in. Metal or plastic? Metal is more durable, and can likely carry more, but it is heavier. Plastic is much lighter, but will it hold up when the going gets tough? Hmm...

I am going to need a shiv. When I am in line at the soup kitchen, sometimes the jostling for position can get pretty intense. Especially on days they have crackers. I am going to need a little protection in case something goes down.

Maybe I better get two shivs, in case I break one off in some guy's aorta. I think toothbrushes with the bottom end filed down is a popular choice. Not only are they deadly, but with the color choices available, they can also be quite festive.

You see a lot of poor people line their shoes with newspaper when they start to come apart. I think this is a mistake. Newsprint doesn't hold up well under the stress and strain of living on the street. I think glossier paper is the way to go. I need to start saving those Parade magazines that come in the Sunday paper.

I also need to start stockpiling those plastic bags that you get at the supermarket. I can make my own underpants out of those.

I need to grow a beard. Not just for practical reasons (razors and shaving cream just aren't in the budget anymore) but I think it would look cool. And I hope it's one of those long flowing beards, you know? Because then I would look wise. And my street name could be The Prophet. The key to success on the street is often a cool name, you know. The Prophet. I like that. Commands respect, right? I can picture two cops driving by in a squad car and one turns to the other and says "Look. There's The Prophet taking a leak next to those garbage cans in the alley."

That's what I have planned so far. I feel pretty good about it. The devil is in the details, you know?

I'll tell you who I feel really bad for. My renter. She's gonna be out on the street too. And she's frail and delicate. She can't be humping a shopping cart all over the place. She'll have to go back to Singapore. And you know what they do to homeless people there, don't you?

Every see Soylent Green?

Stop over and see her before she is...um...just please go see her if you haven't already.

She is an evil one, she is...

2006-08-06T00:02:00.000-04:00

Who? Tense Teacher, that's who. She tagged me with a meme from hell. It's creative writing. I have to write a chapter in an ongoing story. What the heck is she thinking? This is a good story. I can only fuck it up, believe me. How does she know I'm not going to fill it with over sexed lemurs, Nazi frogmen, Canadian cannibals and a guy named Frank? And a puppy.

I don't think I can write normal. You think my writing style was hatched just for this blog? I can remember a creative writing assignment in my senior year in high school. We were shown a picture of a shopping cart full of wigs and we had to write a story about it. My story was about a crazed madman who was roaming the department store scalping women and tossing the tops of their heads in his cart.

Everyone knew which one was mine. I am not hooked up right.

You can read the first three chapters here. And you can read Squid's chapter four here. And you can read Tense's chapter five here.

Ah crap. Here goes nothing...

"You!" I exclaimed, as he sat there with a bemused expression on his face, "What did you do to me?"

Karen grabbed my arm and tried to pull me away. "We have to get out of here" she hissed, "Now!"

She was stronger than she looked, and she managed to drag me out the door before I could speak again. Once we were down the steps and out onto the sidewalk I whirled around to face her, confused and angry. "What is the matter with you? That's him! That's the guy with the quarter, with the..magic..with..he started all this! I have to find out what's going on!"

"I already know" Karen said, "And trust me, we have to get away from here. Don't argue, please! I'll explain when we get back to my shop."

She pulled me down the street to where her 1974 Ford Pinto sat idling at the curb. Karen always left the motor running. She claimed she had placed a spell on the car which kept it safe from vandals. I thought the truth of the matter was that no one wanted to steal it. I never shared this opinion with Karen, though.

She hustled me into the car and scooted around to the driver's side and slid in. She stomped on the gas pedal without so much as a glance in the rearview, and I braced myself for a crash as I heard a driver behind us jam on his brakes. No impact. He must have stopped in time. I glanced over at Karen as we rocketed down the street. Her lips were pursed, her jaw was clenched, and her knuckles were white on the steering wheel. For a moment, I forgot the magician in the jail cell, Mr. Ferguson, everything.

"Karen?" I touched her arm. "For God's sake, what's wrong?"

"Not now," her lower lip was now quivering. "We have to get to the store. I have to show you something. You need to believe."

"I believe, I believe! I told you that," I said plaintively, "After all that's happened, I believe."

She glanced over at me, up at the rearview, and then back to me. "Then believe me, girl, when I say that we need to get to the store or we're both dead." She glanced into the rearview mirror again.

"What? Are we being followed?" I looked back through the rear window but couldn't discern if anyone was tailing us. I looked back at her. "Dead? Karen, this doesn't make any sense. Talk to me!"

Karen jerked the wheel and the car squealed and protested as it straightened out and shot down the side street where Twinky Things was located. She hit the brakes hard and the Pinto screeched to a stop at the curb in front of the shop. She pushed me against the door, "Go, go!" she urged.

"Let me get the door open first Karen!" I pulled the latch, she pushed again, and I tumbled out onto the curb in a heap, "Karen!" I yelled, "Damn it!"

I scrambled to my feet as Karen got out on her side. I began to brush myself off as I angrily began, "Karen, what is wrong with you? What on earth..."

The black SUV struck her before I even knew it was there. The big vehicle seemed to have come out of nowhere. I watched disbelievingly as she was tossed like a ragdoll into the air and over the truck as it sped down the street, never slowing down. I watched, transfixed as Karen's body seemed to pause in midair, and then land in the street, broken, with a sound that chilled my blood.

I stood there for several moments, frozen, my heart hammering in my chest. My friend...

I took a tentative step forward toward her, then a second and a third. I knew she was dead. He neck and her limbs were at unnatural angles. A growing pool of blood spread out from her body, and...

I paused. Leaking out of her head. Was that...

Brains. Oh God...

I vomited into the street. Tears filled my eyes and I had to get down on my hands and knees. I vomited again. After a minute, when I had nothing left, I begin to pull myself up by grabbing onto the Pinto.

A pair of hands grabbed me and helped me stand.

I whirled, terrified.

It was Will.

Okay. I did my part. I am going to tag...CrankyProf. She is so erudite and stylish. I just know she is going to do a fabulous job. I can think of no one better to pick up the baton!

Now that you have basked in the mediocrity of my prose, head on over and say hi to my renter, Noi, will you please? I need to head over there too. She has had a lot more people sign her guest map than I have. I must find out her secret...free pie? Erotic massages? Three Stooges impressions?

I'll figure it out...

Back in the saddle again...

2006-08-05T10:42:00.000-04:00

...as a renter, that is. On whim I advertised a room for rent, and as luck would have it, one of the very first bidders was a favorite of mine and a classy lady. Noi from Voicing My Thoughts.

Noi is from Singapore, which for those of you who are geographically challenged, is just outside Atlantic City, New Jersey.

The only reservation I had about renting to her was that she is a HUGE Oprah fan, while I detest Oprah with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.

Pop on over and see her, will you? She is everything I am not. Classy, elegant, smart, and sophisticated. And her blog is purty.

I have a cockfight to go to. I'll preach about her at greater length tomorrow.

Be a pal! Go over and say hi! For me?

For the love of God, make it stop!

2006-08-05T05:24:00.000-04:00

Granny is a tranny.

That is the phrase I have had in my head since Thursday morning. I don't know why. I think I saw the word "granny" somewhere and just added the rest.

I can't get it out of my head. I find myself saying it myself all the time. Sometimes I sing it when no one is around. Mrs. Fab doesn't even know about it. Until she reads this.

Granny is a tranny. Granny is a tranny. Granny is a tranny.

What does it mean? Could I have heard this before? Is it a bizarre song of some sort? Does anyone know?

Granny is a tranny. Granny is a tranny. Granny is a tranny.

It made me giggle at first. But now it is scaring the crap out of me. I can't get rid of it.

Granny is a tranny. Granny is a tranny. Granny is a....aaaaaarhg! Fuck!

Hold me.

Just so you know...

2006-08-05T05:22:00.000-04:00

...I have decided against any tanning of the nethers, although I will continue to tan. But I think I'm gonna cut down my visits by a third.

...My auto fill boxes are once again pristine, thanks to the fabulous Lynda.

...I am going to solve the post problem by simply making certain posts password protected when I move to Wordpress. That way I don't have to move anything.

...I have determined that I will have to categorize every single posts. I already have, on the new site, certain categories anyway.

...I think I have sent a fantasy football invite to everyone who asked for one. If you have not received one, or you missed the first call, please let me know. Again, it is a free auto-draft league.

...I have ultimately decided against a chat box for now. I think I have enough to keep up with at the moment.

...I have, sadly, resigned myself to the fact the my bluetooth earpiece is gone. I can only assume that either aliens or the government are involved. Or both.

My target date for the big move to Wordpress, new template, and new domain is Friday August 11.

Once again, I would like to thank everyone for chiming in with their assistance and opinions. I love you all, in a very chaste and innocent way.

The male tanner's quandary...

2006-08-04T00:02:00.000-04:00

Okay. Take a deep breath people. This one is about my penis.

There will be no pictures.

This year I have become addicted to tanning. Yes, I go to a tanning salon. Yes, I live in Florida. Yes, I realize many of you think that makes me weird. Well trust me, if it wasn't that fact that made you think I was weird there are a myriad of other facts you could choose from.

Now how many posts about a penis are going to contain the word "myriad"? How well read am I?

When I first started tanning I was as white as a ghost. I was so without color I was practically translucent. So I had to start slowly. Six minutes. Eight minutes. You get the idea. And when I started I kept my underwear on. I did not want the nethers to get crispy, you know? Nothing worse than crispy nethers.

And I was glad I did. Because those first few weeks were a little uncomfortable as I laid the base down. Lots of aloe was employed, if you get my drift.

So it has been several months now and I have quite a nice tan, thank you very much. Of course, when I am naked, it looks like I am wearing a pair of very white shorts. My nethers and ass practically glow in the dark. If we put a blacklight in the bedroom we could make some pretty freaky movies. Blow your mind, homes.

So now I am thinking that maybe it is time to go the extra mile and go for the all-over tan. This leads to many questions. Obviously I can't sit there naked for the whole twenty minutes. When it was over, you would be able to fry an egg on my balls. But how many minutes to start? Five? Six? And should I do it at the beginning or the end? If I do it at the beginning, the lamps will be a little cooler, but then I have to get out, put the underwear on, and get back in. If I do it at the end, I can just take off the underwear while I am in the bed, but the lamps will be hotter.

See what I mean?

I was hoping the manager would be there when I stopped in yesterday, because she is probably about my age and a retired cop, and has seen it all, so I was hoping to ask her advice. But she was not there. And I was not about to ask the giggly 19 year old blonde who was manning the desk anything about my Dingus Deluxe. So I had to wing it.

I decided to do it at the end. Of course that meant I had to keep checking the timer to see how many minutes were left, but that was a minor inconvenience. Then, with about six minutes to go I took the plunge and whipped off the briefs.

And then the neuroticism kicked in. Big time. Overdrive.

I worried about my Dangling Participle. What if there was floppage to one side? Do I need to be cognizant of that? If there is, do I need to turn it the other way halfway through, like when you cook a hotdog?

Sometimes it retracts to a certain degree like a frightened turtle. What if that happens for a number of sessions in a row? Then if I get an erection will my Fetus Feeler have rings on it? You know: brown/white/brown/white/brown/white/with a brown head? What the hell kind of look is that?

Is the answer to make sure my Hammer of Thor is erect during the session? That way I would ensure an all over tan. However, that leads to other complications. Like walking out of the room and into the reception area with a big old boner. That would sure give the coed something to giggle about.

I don't want to "take care of business" while I am lying there. The poor girls have enough to clean out of those things with all the lotion and sweat. I don't think they want to be scooping cum out of the bed.

Plus what if I have the top of the bed low enough that the tip of my Man Cannon touches it while standing at attention? I think that would be my least favorite place on my body to get burnt.

I have heard that some men put a sock on it when they tan. That to me makes no sense. Then when you are naked it would look like you were wearing a white condom all the time. To me, that image is very disturbing. Plus the sock would dangle over your biscuits, am I right? That is not a good look.

It should be an easy thing to do, shouldn't it? Yet this is the kind of minutia I get bogged down in all the time.

It's a wonder I even leave the house some days.

Questions? I have questions...

2006-08-03T07:14:00.000-04:00

Okay my friends...I need some advice, and I have a few other questions to ask y'all. I have very little mind of my own, and so I need to rely on others to do my thinking for me. Actually, I am pretty brain dead as I type this. I haven't slept for shit in a week, and I am a zombie. I am going to have to get something else from my doctor today.

Okay, here we go:

*Chat Boxes. Should I put one in my sidebar? As time goes by, I think I like the idea of one more and more, as a way for peeps to just throw out a how-do-you-do, ya know? But I can't remember seeing any male bloggers who have one. For that reason, should I pass? Will I have my testicles reposessed if I get a chat box? And if so, will I be retro-fitted for a vagina?

*Categories. I am soon getting a new template, moving to Wordpress, and will be on my new domain. Yes, I know I have been saying that for a long time but I swear, it's really gonna happen. Here is my question. With Wordpress I will of course have the option of categorizing my posts. I like that idea. But I have over 500 posts already in the can. Is it worth it to go back and categorize them all? I would have to quit my...oh yeah. Well, it would still take a lot of time, wouldn't it? However, my OCD will not allow me to just categorize from this point on, leaving all those other posts floating out there homeless. So it's all or nothing. What should it be?

*Does anyone know if I can start another Blogspot blog and move certain posts from this one to that one? I mean, without having to copy and paste? Is there a utility I can use to do that? I just don't think I want to take all of this blog with me when I move. Especially the earier stuff, which is crap.

*You know those fill-in boxes, like when you are commenting and you are asked for name, email, and url, and how once you type in the first letter or two it fills it in for you, or gives you a drop down menu to click? Over the last few months I have made several false entries. Consequently, when the box drops down, it includes a bunch of useless choices. Is there a way to get rid of those? They are really starting to annoy me. Update: Lynda knew how to fix it. Lynda is a genius. All hail Lynda! I said hail her, dammit!

*I have a couple of openings still in my Yahoo Fantasy Football league. It is a free league. Anyone play fantasy football and want an invite? Of course, if a lot of people want to play, we can start a whole blogger league. Yeah, that's right, like I need one more thing to be a geek about.

And last but not least, where in the world is my fucking bluetooth earpiece?

The spiritual side of Mr. Fabulous (part 2)

2006-08-02T00:02:00.000-04:00

I have a Get Out of Hell Free card. Which means that when the end times come, and many of you are being consumed by flaming goats and being terrorized by game show hosts, I will be all like "Ha ha, so long suckers!"

It's a feather in my cap.

Cocaine, Meth and Heroin

2006-08-02T00:01:00.000-04:00

by Shelli aka Lil' Fab

My brother! Hmph! He turned me into an addict. Well, I was one anyway, but he just egged me on. Gave me new things to be addicted to. The cocaine, meth and heroin of the internet.

I used to be fine. Sometimes I would dabble in a little heroin, aka site stats. I would check now and then. I was content to see 50 or so a day. Then he introduced the coke to me. You may know it as BlogMad. Yah. If I am awake and near a computer, you can bet I am surfing BlogMad. Have you seen me there? That dazed look in my eyes? Suddenly, I was popular, man. My site stats went out of control. They went from 40 to 50 a day to as many as 170 one day. I hit 15,000 hits on my site meter on July 11 and currently, I am a little over 18,000 hits. So, now I am on coke and heroin.

Ahh, but the best was yet to come. I told him I am not interested in meth, or as he calls it, Blog Explosion. I will NOT battle. I Do Not want to rent to or from anyone. I am not doing it. Until he asked me to vote for him one day. Well, he didn't ask. He blackmailed me. "If you don't sign up and vote for me, I'm telling Mom about the time you..." (Ahhh, you thought I was going to tell you what he had on me. No way! That's between him and I. And some other people. That's all I am saying.)

You guessed it. Not only did he get me to sign up and vote for him, he got me to battle. It was sweet at first. High all the time. I won 12 battles in a row. No losses. 12-0! I thought, "This is awesome!"

He pushed, "Sis, you're kickin' ass. You'll get to 100-0!"

I thought I would be happy to get to 20-0. But it was not to be. And the lows, man, they are low. You want to get back and take another hit. Can't let your rank fall. Gotta keep it up there.

Now it is a vicious circle. Hit the heroin. Snort some coke. Take a hit of meth. Start all over again. Keep those site stats up. You gotta surf BM if you want to do that. Keep your rank up on BE, but you gotta battle to do that. I'm dancing as fast as I can. Thanks, bro!

Psst...sis...over here. Hey, you wanna try something that'll make you feel real good? It's called MySpace. Go on, take a taste. First one's free...special deal for family members...

The spiritual side of Mr. Fabulous (part 1)

2006-08-01T00:03:00.000-04:00

God often speaks to me, but more often than not it is only about gum.

Potpourri? Smorgasborg? Whatever...

2006-08-01T00:02:00.000-04:00

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. It was with a doctor I had not met before. Here's a fun fact: If you meet a doctor for the first time, and he does not understand your sense of humor, and you ask him, deadpan, what the street value is of the drugs he is writing you scripts for, he will not find it humorous.

The word "ejaculate", if you say it really quick, kind of sounds like "jacket" but trust me, you don't want to get them mixed up.

I was on Interstate 75 today and I passed a Dodge Caravan. There was a box tied to the top of the Dodge Caravan. It was not a big box, I would say it was about the size of regular size cooler. It was actually more of a crate, with wooden slats, and there was newspaper all around the inside, so you couldn't see what was inside. But here is what I found so vexing: It was a relatively small box, and there was plenty of room in the van. Why tie it to the roof? What on earth would be in the box that would cause them to do that?

I also saw a car that had its gas tank flap torn off. You know, the little door you open to get to the gas tank? Ripped off. How is that possible? I am 44 years old, I have never seen that before.

Okay, I have thought about what I want to do for my next career. So far I have narrowed it down to Lemur Wrangler or Evil Genius.

I had a close call in the tanning bed today. A couple of minutes into my session I realized that the flap in my briefs was askew, and my winky was exposed. Can you imagine if I had gone the whole twenty minutes like that? I am wincing just imagining it.

I was thinking today that if I formed a band of crimefighters a totally cool name for us would be the Cocknockers.

Mrs. Fab seems genuinely perplexed when I follow her around, asking her in a 1970's blaxploitation voice if she wants some Chocolate Lovin'.

I am still trying to get around to see everyone, but I have still been slammed and my Bloglines is not letting my know when most of y'all update. For some reason, I blame Tony Danza. I often like to curse him and blame him for all of society's ills.

Okay, to the best I can figure out, only one other person from my high school class has a MySpace account. Does that mean that they are all lame, or me and the other person are lame?

I still can't find my earpiece. I have looked everywhere.

I blame Tony Danza.

Equal time...

2006-07-31T00:02:00.000-04:00

Okay, so maybe yesterday's post was a tad hard on women drivers. A lot of the ladies thought it would be a good idea for me to do some research and find some pictures of male drivers that had gotten themselves into some embarrassing situations.

Well frankly, that's a lot of work. Maybe when I become a big shot writer and can hire an intern, they can do that kind of leg work, but right now I have my hands full answering emails, trying to catch up on blogs, and working on my resume.

Oh, and playing around with my MySpace account.

Speaking of which, my profile has been erased twice. Are they doing it because there were naughty words in it? Is that against the rules? I can talk about murdering hitchhikers and having auditory hallucinations, but I can't say the word "motherfucker"?

Maybe I just didn't save it right. If you want to add yourself as my friend, you may do so here: http://www.myspace.com/pointlessdrivel

Oh, right. Equal time.

Okay, instead of looking for pictures of male drivers, what I am going to do is tell a few tales on myself.

The 80's were a special time. The big hair, the cool music, John Hughes. And, oh yes, the auto accidents.

Between 1980 and 1987 I compiled quite the record, thank you very much. Consider the evidence, if you will:

My friend Steve and I are racing our cars home from class at UMASS down Route 9. I am ahead but have to pull up short behind some traffic at a light. I see in my rearview that he will not be able to stop in time. I cut the wheels right at the last moment, his big Lemans hits my Maverick, and I end up in someone's front yard.
My friend Tom and I are headed home one night after an off campus party at our friend Zeke's place. We have had a cocktail or two, so we take the back road. Which is twisty. And wet. And covered with leaves. As we are driving, he has to go to the bathroom. I say he can hold it. He says he can't. An argument ensues. Finally I exclaim "Okay, you want to to stop, we'll stop!" I slam on the brakes. Not a smart move. The truck skids off the road, cleaving a cement city boundary sign in two, and we end up in a field. We both calmly get out and walk around to the front of the truck and take a leak. We agree that this is not a good situation. Luckily the truck still runs. We get to a pay phone and call our friend Mac, who is a cop, who advises us to never speak of this again. Later he looks at the accident site and says we're lucky one of us isn't dead. If the cement sign hadn't had an iron bar in the middle of it, the top would have come through the windshield.
One afternoon, on my way to UMASS for an afternoon class, I was negotiating a turn while trying to look for a cassette tape I wanted to play. I never came out of the turn and smashed into a guard rail. I missed my class that day.
I had been fishing with some close friends of mine one Saturday, when it was decided we needed more provisions. I drove Chet and myself out of the park, closed the gate, stocked up at a local convenience store, and headed back. When we got back to the gate Chet mentioned that he would get out and open it but me, feeling absolutely no pain, announced I would open it up with the truck. Well, I opened it. But that iron gate was a lot heavier than I thought it was, and it bashed up my front end pretty good.
One time my truck was in the shop, so I had to rent one. I rented a Ford Granada. I know, sweet ride, eh? On Saturday night I picked up a couple of friends and we stopped at the Big Y liquor store to stock up on tasty adult beverages. We had a few minutes of time to kill so I thought it would be funny to see how fast I could drive backwards up the hill of the parking lot (they guys we were waiting for worked at the Big Y Supermarket on the other side of the lot). So I put it in reverse and gunned in, faster and faster through the lot. I can still hear Steve in the back seat screaming "Look out!" I turned the wheel, but too late. We slammed into a big cement base that was supporting a light for the parking lot. The doors popped and the roof caved in. Those Ford Granadas must have been made out of heavy tin foil. Luckily, I had gotten the insurance. Yay insurance! I was able to drive it back to the rental agency, where I thought the manager was going to cry. All I could do was shrug and walk away.
The last accident was in 1987 with my Ford Courier. On July 4th. A couple of weeks after we had paid it off. I was coming back from a party in Springfield late in the day after consuming much alcohol. I was driving up Interstate 91. I um....fell asleep. But not for long. I woke up when my truck starting jettisoning those big metal orange and white construction barrels all over the highway. I had run into a line of them. For your information, you can hit about four or five of those before your car will no longer run. I walked to the next exit and called Mrs. Fab and she picked me up and I got a tow truck to haul it away. It was totalled.

Learn from this kids. Don't drink and drive. And stay in school. And don't talk to strangers.

I was extremely lucky in that, despite the alcohol factor in most of these accidents, the police were never involved, so I never took that hit.

And I take great pride in that, to the best of my recollection, I didn't get cited or dinged on my insurance for any of the accidents, even though they were clearly all my fault. But in Massachusetts you were able to argue your case before a magistrate, and even then I was a consumate bullshit artist. I would spin my yarn and would always end up being found not liable.

The rental car? The brakes were faulty (and something else...I can't remember).

The town line boundary sign? A rabbit ran out in front of me and I swerved to avoid it.

The contruction site? Nails! Nails and debris carelessly left in the road, causing me to have a blowout and to hit the barrels.

I can't remember the other ones. But I know I always beat them.

I was looking to see if I had any pictures of any of the accidents, and I could only find one.

So that is my story. Does that make up for yesterday?

And I didn't even throw out any euphemisms for menstruation.

Aw, crap. Sorry, ladies.

Top 10 Women Drivers of the Year...

2006-07-30T00:01:00.000-04:00

I've been holding on to these pictures for quite a while and I need to get them out of my inbox. I received these one day at work. Remember when I had a job? Gosh, it seems like it was just four or five days ago...

Disclaimer: By posting these I am in no way disparaging women drivers. I just think they are humorous. Some of you may have already seen these pictures before, but I never had, so I am assuming there are plenty of you out there who have not seen them as well.

I love women. I love women drivers. I don't think women are worse drivers than men. I think bad driving can apply equally to both genders. I say this partly because it is true, and partly because with their sharp teeth, long sharp nails, and pointed shoes women could do serious damage to me if I pissed them off. Plus many of them carry pepper spray. And you can always count on some of them to be riding the cotton pony. I'm sorry, that was an insensitive comment. What I meant to say was that you can count on some of them to be experiencing a Massacre at the Y.

Wait, that's no good either.

Arts and crafts week at panty camp?
Dishonorable discharge from the Uterine Navy?
Trolling for Vampires?

Um...I seem to have gotten off topic here. You can find more witty euphemisms here.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, I had some pictures of women drivers. Here we go:

10th place goes to:

9th place goes to:

8th place goes to:7th place goes to:
6th place goes to:

5th place goes to:

4th place goes to:

The bronze medal winner:

The silver medal winner:

And the gold medal winner:

I'm no biker, but I'm pretty sure that is not the proper way to wear a helmet...

Wasn't that fun?

Has it really come to this?

2006-07-29T18:06:00.000-04:00

My friend Karen clued me in the other day to her MySpace site. I never really considered getting a MySpace site, but Karen is cool, and she has one, so I figured what the heck.

I just started it, and I don't really know what the hell I am doing, but if you also have a MySpace account and you want to be added as a friend, here is my bare bones site:

Find'>Find'>http://www.myspace.com/pointlessdrivel"> Find me on MySpace and be my friend!

I don't have a lot of time to work on it right now, but I will get to it eventually. After all, I have a little more time on my hands these days :)

I am not sure if you can add yourself as a friend, or if I have to do it. I haven't been able to figure out how to add myself as a friend to Karen's site yet. Maybe I'll ask my friend Robin. I think she knows a lot about it.

Or if any of you can clue me in, I would be grateful.

MySpace. I wonder what's next. Orgies? Cockfights? Bare knuckle boxing?

Too much free time might not be a good thing for me.

Damn it!

2006-07-29T16:35:00.000-04:00

I can't find my Bluetooth earpiece.

I'm like freakin' Job lately.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

My name is Fab, and I am a recovering gaming addict...

2006-07-29T05:11:00.000-04:00

I totally used to do that. I used to spend real money to buy fake money that my character could use in the game. I would use it to buy better equipment, weapons, spells, etc.

Yeah, okay. So I was a bit of a geek. There is nothing wrong with that!

I have had a couple of conversations recently with some fellow bloggers who enjoy playing MMORPGs (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games).

VaVa Voom plays City of Heroes. Jen plays Guild Wars. Lynda plays World of Warcraft. Actually, Lynda plays a ton of stuff. I think she is really a guy.

Women who play MMORPGs are, in my opinion, very desirable. Yowza!

Jen was asking me why I didn't still play. I responded that I blog now instead. She couldn't understand why I couldn't do both.

Why? Because I am a sick, sick man. Moderation? What is that? I am not familiar with that concept.

I first played about six years ago. I played Everquest. I got into it because a number of guys at work played it. I didn't just get into it. I become immersed in it.

It got so I was playing it 40+ hours per week. It was a second full time job. I would stay up late. I would get up at 3 AM to play. I ate at the computer. If I was camping an area, I would read while I was on the computer. If Mrs. Fab had given me a bedpan I would never have left the den.

I remember one time that I was camping a dungeon with my Ranger. I was with a couple of guys from work; Corey, who had a Monk, and Mike, who had a Necromancer. I had cautioned Corey to be careful, but Corey was the kind of guy who liked to kick first and ask questions later.

Sure enough, he attacked a creature he didn't have to, and all hell broke loose. He went down fast, and as I tried to hold off the monsters I was screaming for Mike to help.

Where was Mike? Up on the surface. He bailed when the shit hit the fan. Left me and Corey down there. It was couple of days before we could get someone to help us get our corpses back.

I didn't talk to Mike at work for over a week, I was so pissed. I mean, I was livid.

And as I am typing this, I am realizing something. I still have not totally forgiven him.

I can still remember the rush I got when I joined my first group as a young Ranger. We were camping Bandits in...er...I can't remember where the bandits were. But one of our peeps would shoot a spell their way, and the bandits would come rushing out to meet us, and we would rush toward them, and then it was a free-for-all.

Good times.

I got the Ranger up to level 51 (his name was Baragon) and I kind of stalled and so I finally quit, swearing never to return to that time wasting, soul sucking game. And I didn't.

Instead I started playing Dark Age of Camelot. And it all began again. But I never really liked it as much as EQ. I can't even remember who my main character was. Eventually I quit that too.

But then the siren call of EQ started up again, and I went right back to my second full time job, soloing a Necro named Mordac up to 55 before quitting cold turkey.

Until City of Heroes came out. Here was a different game. Here I could make my own superhero. And so it began again. But I played so much I outleveled all my friends (a common occurance) and so I quit that too, vowing never to return to gaming.

Until I got hooked on World of Warcraft. However, it was getting easier to kick the habit. And once I did, that was it for good.

Until I started to play Guild Wars, which I liked because there was no monthly fee. That way I figured I would not be as compelled to play it all the time to get my money's worth.

I was wrong.

But then I discovered blogging. And if I have not made it clear how much time I spend on blogging related activities...

So there is no time left for gaming. Not the way I do it.

Every once in a while I go by the aisle in Best Buy and I feel the tug. City of Villians is out now, as well as a number of other good ones.

I can't. I just can't.

Thanks again!

2006-07-28T17:41:00.000-04:00

As the Pity Party winds down today, I just wanted to take one more opportunity to thank everyone for all the kind comments, emails, and phone calls. It has meant a great deal to me and Mrs. Fab. I have read all the comments and taken them to heart. I am still trying to answer all the emails. You guys are awesome.

I am going to be fine. Hey, more time for blogging, right?

Tonight I'm gonna rustle me up a six pack of lemurs, a tub of Crisco, and a couple of bottles of MD 20/20 and I'm gonna kick it old school, my homies!

Everyone have a good weekend! I know I will!

You guys rock! Every single last one of you!

Boy, that was a lot of exclamation marks.

This is the last day...

2006-07-28T00:02:00.000-04:00

On Saturday, Pointless Drivel will return to normalcy. Of course, when I say "normalcy" I think we are all hip to the fact that I am speaking of lemurs, sex, juvenile behavior, sarcasm, inappropriate behavior, wooden shoes, and whatever else pops into my fevered brain.

Oh, and the occasional outburt of sensitivity and nice-guy-edness.

I cannot put into words accurately how much all your support has meant to me. All the calls, comments, and emails have made me feel very loved. I know many of you have posted about this situation, and I have read a couple of them, and they have moved me very much. Starting tomorrow I will be once again getting around to y'all and I will read the rest of them then.

You guys are awesome.

I am going to take a little time to get my bearings again. Mrs. Fab says that it is important to go through a grieving process after a job loss, just as with a death. By the way, she has been extra fabulous through all of this. She is livid at the company and 100% supportive of me. There is no one I would rather have in my corner at a time like this. Although quite a few of you rate a close second.

So I will still be grieving for a while, and feeling very hurt and confused and betrayed, but I won't air any of that here. That's not what this blog is about.

Then I will begin the process of exploring my options as far as making a living as a writer. What better time than now, eh?

At least there won't be any more traveling for a week at a time. And now I won't die next Wednesday at the Blues Brothers drive. And now I will have more time to help Mrs. Fab get ready for the bar exam in February.

So for the time being, starting Saturday it will be back to business as usual, and I will be responding to comments and visiting other blogs. Unless something changes, I won't be blogging about this mess anymore, but if you want to discuss anything with me you can always feel free to shoot me an email.

I love you guys.

(I know I am actually postdating this a tad and posting it a few hours before it is actually Friday but you know how it is. When you are unemployed time doesn't really mean anything LOL)

Thank you!

2006-07-27T07:09:00.000-04:00

I want to thank everyone for all the kind comments and email. I know a couple of you have called, but I'm just not answering the phone right now.

They said someone who works for me complained and said that what I was writing was creating a hostile work environment. I've been thinking about that all night. I haven't looked back through my archives, but I really can't think of anything that I wrote that would fit that description. I was always very positive about my company. And as far as I knew everyone from work who read my blog enjoyed it. Several even guest posted at one point.

Frankly, I think my bosses were snowed. What I think happened was that someone with an ax to grind brought all this up as an act of revenge. And maybe they didn't even want me to be fired, maybe they just wanted me to get in trouble.

I don't know. I could be wrong. It is just so frustrating not knowing, you know? They wouldn't give me any particulars beyond that.

I keep thinking they are going to call me and tell me they made a mistake and ask me to come back. I guess I'm still in a bit of shock. I've never been fired before, and I really thought I would retire there.

Six years of hard work and dedication to the cause of blood donation. Poof. At least I have the knowledge that my work helped a lot of people during those six years.

I made a trip out to my car with some personal belongings as I cleared out my office, and when I got back my computer was already gone. Nice.

Thanks again guys. I really mean it.

Fired

2006-07-26T19:09:00.000-04:00

Please forgive me if I don't visit your blogs or respond to comments for a few days.

Two hours ago I was fired from my job. Because of my blog.

I am in shock. I feel sick.

I am very sad.

I know when I am going to die...

2006-07-26T02:53:00.000-04:00

How many of you can say that?

My death will occur in one week. In the afternoon. About two-ish.

Why? Because I foolishly offered to reprise my role as Jake Blues for a Blues Brothers All Star Blood Drive we are holding out in Cross City, Florida.

Outside. In July. On the blacktop. In the parking lot. At the main intersection of town.

I'm not very good in math, but I can handle this equation:

Ten hour day + July + hot sun + blacktop + parking lot x out of shape middle aged man + black hat + black jacket + black trousers + black shoes x running all over town + dancing and singing on the street corner = one dead guy in a week, in the afternoon, around two-ish.

Does anyone know of any good prospects for Mrs. Fab's next husband?

Does anyone want anything of mine? I can have Mrs. Fab rewrite the will.

In accordance with my last wishes, I will be cremated and small little pieces of my ashes will be baked into some of Mrs. Fab's delicious brownies, one of each will be sent to all of you so that you may eat me. Take a bite out of Fab!

In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to the Foundation for Trying to Save Stupid Guys From Themselves.

Some men hang glide. Some rock climb. Some wrestle alligators.

This is how I subject myself to otherwise avoidable danger.

Dead man walking! And singing. And dancing.

And dying.

Vegas, baby!

2006-07-25T03:39:00.000-04:00

Well, it's official. We're going to las Vegas in October. Yeah, baby!

Mrs. Fab has to go for some big medical professional management convention or such and I am going to tag along for the ride.

Yes, we will be flying. I don't know how we're going to work that out, but I am assuming that I will be put on a gurney, fitted with a morphine drip, and loaded into the luggage hold. That should get me there with a minimum of fuss.

I don't know much about Vegas, but I understand there is a ton of stuff to do there, which is good, because I'm not much a gambler, really. All I ever play is slots, and I have a tendency to get bored after a very short while doing that.

I understand at the convention there is a huge trade show. I don't usually take free stuff but I am planning to load up at this one. I will have enough Prozac pens and Viagra note pads to last me to the end of my days.

Sadly, Mrs. Fab has mandated that I am forbidden to engage the services of any "escorts" during the trip. She is holding pretty firm on that.

However, in a moment of weakness, she has agreed that half of whatever I win at the slots I can spend in strip clubs. So I have that going for me. Which is nice.

Of course, she agreed to that knowing that I am not really a fan of strip clubs. Damn her cleverness!

We are going to renew our wedding vows at the Graceland Wedding Chapel.

And we will be staying here at the Las Vegas Hilton. Mrs. Fab is stoked, because this is where her favorite singer (swooooon) Barry Manilow performs. Barry won't be there when we are, but apparently there is a recording studio of sorts where you can make a CD singing karaoke to Barry's songs. So guess what I will be doing one day while she's at the conference?

Time in New England/Took me away/To long rocky beaches --and you, by the bay/We started a story/Whose end must now wait...

The things we do for love, eh?

Also my blogging buddy Kathy from The Soda Stand, who lives in Vegas, has graciously offered to let me know whatever is "can't miss" the week we're there.

Imagine. A goofball reprobate like me cutting up and running around loose without sanction in Sin City.

Should be worth a post or three.

Got her!

2006-07-24T00:03:00.000-04:00

Fend off all my lame attempts at humor at the Chinese Restaurant, will she?

Yesterday afternoon we were at Wal-Mart. I was loading up on travel size toiletries. You know how I love to carry lots of toiletries. Mrs. Fab was urging me to hurry the hell up.

I stalled until there were quite a few people around. Including a child.

Wait for it...wait for it...in a loud voice:

"Hold on, I need one of K-Y Jelly for all the gay sex I have on the road."

Her face turns red, she looks down, and starts pushing the cart toward the registers. I trail behind her, laughing like a mental patient.

Which I may be.

Soon.

A Sibling Milestone!

2006-07-24T00:01:00.000-04:00

It’s all about family, am I right, people? That being said; please join me in congratulating my sister today on her 40th birthday. That’s right, the big 4-0!

Many of you know my sister Shelli, aka ‘Lil Fab from her blog Shelli’s Sentiments. If you have a moment, pop on over and wish her well. She mentioned something about having some special HNT pics today for y’all, even though it is Monday.

That’s my sister, bless her heart. Road the short bus to school most days. Wore a helmet too. But that just meant she needed more of our love, that’s all.

This birthday finds her in the midst of a career change. Right now she is torn between becoming an erotic masseuse or a Navy Seal. We don’t care which career path she chooses, as long as it makes her happy.

I don’t see ‘Lil Fab much any more, sadly. She up and married a hunky cop named Jason and moved to Minnesota, so she is a Canadian now. It’s kind of cool to have a foreigner in the family. I think she has dual citizenship though, so she has not totally become a Godless commie and abandoned her American heritage.

Oh, she asked me to let you all know that she and Jason have decided to embrace the swinging lifestyle, so if any of y’all are interested, I can give you her email. Sandi? Bluepaintred? Mike?

I wish you at least 40 more, sis. And whether you spend the next twenty years on adreneline-charged rescue missions or giving Japanese businessmen a "happy ending", we'll love you just the same!

Make a wish!

So, last night at a Chinese restaurant...

2006-07-23T00:04:00.000-04:00

I tried to get a rise of out Mrs. Fab, a spit take, a smirk, a chuckle, anything...

Me: That old lady just left $1.50 tip on her bill
Mrs. Fab: Really? Well, maybe she's on a fixed income.
Me: Then she should stay home and eat cat food like the rest of the old people.

Nothing.

Me: We should totally go and get tattoos tonight.
Mrs. Fab: You don't want to do that. You wouldn't be able to donate blood for a year.
Me: I'll just lie. Like I do when they ask about having sex with men.

Nothing.

Me: Of course, that depends on your definition of "sex". I mostly just like to suck cock.

Nothing.

Me: You're a dirty, dirty whore!

Nothing.

Me: I have water damage in my pants.

Maybe the slightest hint of a smile.

Me: Man, I'm losing my touch.
Mrs. Fab: Twenty-two years babe. I'm used to just about anything.
Me: Heavy sigh...

Note: For those of you looking for the inside scoop on Attila's awesome system of paying a pittance for groceries, her part two can be found here. You will be amazed!

A meme, revisited...

2006-07-23T00:01:00.000-04:00

Tag, You're It!

I was tagged by A Blonde Blogger and now I pass the fun along to you! I actually did this one quite a while ago, but I can't remember what my answers were. So I thought I would do it again, and then later on I'll look back and see how many of them matched.

In the spirit of the old chain letter traditions, follow these instructions:

INSTRUCTIONS: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so.

1) Micerridwen
2) In Our House
3) Rose DesRochers
4) So a Blonde Walks Into a Blog
5) Pointless Drivel

Next select five people to tag:
1) Kattbanjo
2) A Tense Teacher
3) Shelli's Sentiments
4) Stupid People Shouldn't Breed
5) Cheaper Than Therapy

What were you doing 10 years ago? Let's see...in July of 1996 we were living in Laurens, South Carolina, and I managed the Greenville office of Carolina Finance, knocking on doors in the projects. Fuck you, pay me.

What were you doing 1 year ago? Pretty much what I am doing now, just replace blogging with MMORPGs.

Five snacks you enjoy: Popcorn, potato chips, pudding, ice cream, Slim Jims

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics: Paradise by the Dashboard Light, Werewolves of London, Thunder Road, American Pie, A Day in the Life.

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire: Quit work and blog even more, pay off the house and the cars, donate to a few favorite charities, help out a few friends, take a lot more vacations.

Five bad habits: Eating junk food, not exercising enough, tanning, eating too much salt, procrastinating.

Five things you like doing: Spending time with Mrs. Fab, Blogging, watching the Red Sox, reading, taking a nap.

Five things you would never wear again: Leisure suit, suspenders, a tie (I hope)...that's all I can come up with...

Five favorite toys: My laptop, my PDA, my iPod, my XM radio, my car.

These cool things are a hoot!

2006-07-22T04:19:00.000-04:00

Cool thing # 1: I saw this on the always fabulous Heather's site. You put in the phone number of someone you want to give a message to, type in what you want it to say, and it will call that person and read the message electronically. You can pick different voices.

It's my new best friend, The Phone Trick.

Cool thing # 2: I saw this on my oh-so-fabulous friend Michele's site. It is maddeningly addictive, I will warn you right now. According to Michele, the U.S. Air Force uses this as a training aid for fighter pilots, and they are expected to last at least 2 minutes. Michele has lasted over 35 seconds. I can't even get to the 18 seconds it says to shoot for.

Try it. You know you are going to...ESCAPA!

Cool thing # 3: I saw this on the fabulously northern Nanuk's blog. Just scroll down slowly and do the math in your head and call out the answers out loud. I was in the 98 percentile. Mrs. Fab was in the rarified 2 percentile. Where will YOU fall? I give you The Word of Mouth Experiment!

Now that I am back home, I look forward to catching up on what is going on in y'all's lives.

My work here is done. Taxi!

Friday Dedication: Open All Night

2006-07-21T04:11:00.000-04:00

I am headed down to Birmingham early this morning to do a few interviews and then I am hitting the road back to Gainesville. I'll probably not get back until about 7:30 PM - 8:00 PM. Long day.

Can someone explain to me how to iron trousers? When I am home I bring all my clothes to a cleaner. I just can't get the hang of it. I actually iron new wrinkles into the pants. I think I need to travel with a valet. Or a manservant. That would be sweet.

It used to be that when I was down in Birmingham for a week, I would sleep really poorly the last night and I would end up packing up everything at around 4 in the morning and heading back. So I would be cruising down I-65 and US 231 in the darkness and pre-dawn. Now whenever I hear this song I think of those hours driving through Alabama to get home to Mrs. Fab, because that's what this guy is doing, rushing home to be with his girl.

This is from Springsteen's Nebraska album

I'm coming home, baby.

Open All Night

I had the carburetor cleaned and checked with her line blown out she's hummin' like a turbojet
Propped her up in the backyard on concrete blocks for a new clutch plate and a new set of shocks
Took her down to the carwash check the plugs and points
I'm goin' out tonight I'm gonna rock that joint

Early north Jersey industrial skyline I'm an all set cobra jet creepin' through the nighttime
Gotta find a gas station gotta find a payphone this turnpike sure is spooky at night when you're all alone
Gotta hit the gas 'cause I'm runnin' late, this New Jersey n the mornin' like a lunar landscape

The boss don't dig me so he put me on the nightshift
It's an all night run to get back to where my baby lives
In the wee wee hours your mind gets hazy radio relay towers won't you lead me to my baby
Underneath the overpass trooper hits his party light switch
Goodnight good luck one two powershift

I met Wanda when she was employed behind the counter at the route 60 Bobs Big Boy fried chicken on the front seat she's sittin' in my lap
We're wipin' our fingers on a Texaco roadmap
I remember Wanda up on scrap metal hill with them big brown eyes that make your heart stand still

5 A.M. oil pressure's sinkin' fast
I make a pit stop wipe the windshield check the gas
Gotta call my baby on the telephone
Let her know that her daddy's comin' on home
Sit tight little mamma I'm commin' round I got 3 more hours but I'm coverin' ground

Your eyes get itchy in the wee wee hours sun's just a red ball risin' over them refinery towers
Radio's jammed up with gospel stations lost souls callin' long distance salvation
Hey mr. deejay woncha hear my last prayer hey ho rock 'n roll deliver me from nowhere

Attila speaks!

2006-07-20T05:19:00.000-04:00

For those of you wondering how Attila sticks it to the man at the grocery check-out, she has began to open up her vault of secrets. Click here and begin the journey...

Can you believe it? A knitting post!

2006-07-20T05:01:00.000-04:00

A lot of bloggers are crafty. Not crafty as in sneaky, but crafty as in good at crafts.

There are a lot of bloggers out there who knit and crochet and cross stitch and all that yarny and needle-y crap. I have to admit, I find that stuff a bit of a snooze. But if it's a blog I read all the time, I still read about it. Okay, maybe I scan it, or skim it. But I pay enough attention to get the gist of it. I figure they don't really devour my posts about fantasy baseball or Blogmad, so it all evens out.

But now I am starting to change my tune. I had no idea that knitting could be so much fun!

Let's see, first thing I'm gonna need to get is some yarn...

Oops again...

2006-07-19T07:12:00.000-04:00

I am sitting in bed with my computer, trying to put cream cheese on my bagel and a big glob of it just fell into my lap. Anyone want to come over and...

Oh, never mind.

When did I become a thirteen year old girl?

2006-07-19T01:56:00.000-04:00

Ever since I got my Precioussss I have been addicted.

To text messaging.

I text messaged once in a while with the Razr I have but it was awfully slow going for a middle aged man. It was a huge pain in the ass. I could never remember what button to push to capitalize things or make punctuation, or any of that crap. It was both slow going and mistake-laden.

But now...with the PDA's slide out keyboard, it's a snap.

And so it began.

All of sudden I am a text messaging fiend. I am now more apt to text message people at work than call them. Which irritates many of them because they are not used to doing a lot of text messaging and their phones don't have keyboards.

Plus I text message my friends all day. I text message my sister Shelli a lot, and I trade text messages with some of my blogger pals like Sandi.

Luckily Mrs. Fab must have known how I would react to this wonderful new development because she had the foresight to make sure I signed up for unlimited text messages.

A monster has been created.

I don't sit around in my jammies and talk about boys. I don't use strawberry lip gloss. I don't follow any boy bands (are there even any around anymore?) I don't have 37 stuffed animals on my bed. I don't do any of a hundred things that a typical 13 year old girl does.

But I can hold my own with any of them in a text messaging contest.

Bring it, girlies!
You got a problem with that? I don't want to hear it. But you can text me :)

I once again feel I need to apologize for not getting around to as many blogs as I usually do. I have been wicked busy on this business trip. I am visiting as many as I can but I won't be able to catch up until the weekend. I also want to thank all the new folks who have left comments the last several days. I have bookmarked your sites and if I haven't been there yet I will be soon.

Oops...

2006-07-18T06:42:00.000-04:00

I just finished shaving my face and head, and instead of using my own lotion/moisturizer afterwards, I used some that the hotel provides. But I didn't read the bottle, and I actually slathered conditoner all over my head. They look the same. I will have the best conditioned scalp in three counties. Well, I probably had that anyway, because I'm pretty sure everyone up here has head lice.

Ladies and gentlemen...Miss Diana Ross!

2006-07-18T05:04:00.000-04:00

Here are a couple of lousy photos I took yesterday with my PDA. Here is all the stuff I brought with me. One big suitcase, two computers, my dress clothes, and some provisions. I told you I travel like a diva:

And here is the photo I promised you of my toiletry bag. Look at the size of it. I've got everything in here. What kind of straight man carries all this stuff with him? There are zippered pockets on the other side too.

Hey, I like to be prepared. I'm not getting caught with my pants down. Unless of course I pay extra for that pleasure. Which reminds me, the girl is late.

And for those of you who may have doubted that I actually took notes during the drive, here are pictures of some of them:

Is it any wonder I had trouble deciphering some of them?

Okay, I have an important question for you guys. Bragging rights are at stake here in Northern Alabama. Which is the weirder habit:

A) Dipping chicken tenders in honey mustard and then ketchup before eating them

B) Dipping french fries in a mixure of mayonnaise and ketchup before eating them

There is a poll in my sidebar just above the Notify List sign-up. Please let me know what you think.

Do you have any weird eaing habits?

Cops, Carcasses, and Car Problems...

2006-07-17T06:21:00.000-04:00

This is a PYLP (Pack Your Lunch Post) but it could have been longer. I can't read some of my notes and I had planned to put in pictures of each town but I just dont have the time or energy. You can imagine them, if you want.

The car was packed. I was comfortably attired in blue shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. I always wear a Hawaiian shirt on travel days. And I prefer to drive barefoot, although I had my trusty Birkenstocks for when I had to venture outside the mighty Impala.

After a multitude of hugs and kisses from Mrs. Fab, I put the car in gear and was off!

8:58 AM: I Pull out of the driveway. Get about 300 feet and see an older couple out pushing a baby carriage that contains a dog. Whenever I see them I always wonder what the point is. The dog isn't getting any exercise. What does he get out of it?

9:02 AM: I get onto I-75 N.

9:07 AM: I see the first of what will doubtless be several anti-abortion billboards. You can't swing a dead cat on I-75 without hitting an anti-abortion billboard. Of course, if people started swinging dead cats, no doubt billboards would be erected about that.

9:14 AM: I am in the mood to sing, so I load up a John Hiatt playlist on my iPod and go nuts.

9:25 AM: Ah, the first of what will prove to be many Jesus billboards. You've got to love the bible belt!

9:39 AM: I get onto I-10 W. This is the worst part of the trip. I-10 is boring. And it's a long way to exit 130 where I get off.

9:40 AM: There is a hitchhiker on the highway. His aura emanates "troubled loner". I do not pick him up.

9:59 AM: I pass a guy in a Sebring convertible with the top down. The knucklehead is leaning way back in his seat with one foot way up on the dashboard. I resist the urge to pull in front of him and jam on the brakes. I give myself a mental pat on the back for showing such restraint.

10:13 AM: I notice in my rear view that the convertible is gaining on me. I ratchet up the cruise control another five MPH to put some distance between us. I am not sure I can count on myself to show restraint a second time.

10:23 AM: I pass a van for a company that specializes in Treasure Hunting. I never heard of that before. I was so busy reading the sign that I start to go off the road. I correct the car.

10:47 AM: I reach Tallahassee. Ugh. Enemy territory, if you live in Gainesville.

10:51 AM: There is what appears to be a 4 foot metal ladder in the middle of the highway. You don't see that every day.

10:57 AM: I pull off to get lunch. I know it's early, but I ate breakfast early, and there is a Steak and Shake off this exit according to the signs, and now I have a taste for a steakburger. However, there is all kinds of construction and I take a lot of wrong turns and have to backtrack a lot before I can get to the restaurant. I feel that I am wasting time. Finally I get there and get my food. I order a burger, fries, and a soda and the receipt is over a foot long. What is up with that?

11:13 AM: Back on the road. The fries are so-so, but the Frisco Burger is heavenly. Life is good again.

11:29 AM: There are cars on the road with license plates from all over the country. Every once in a while I wonder about all the people in those cars. What are their stories? Where are they going? What brought them here to this place at this time? And then I realize I don't really give a shit.

11:42 AM becomes 10:42 AM as I cross the Apalachicola River. So I guess I'm going back in time. But I don't feel any younger. Thirty more miles before I can get off this damn highway.

11:05 AM: I get on SR 231 N. I'll be on here until I hit Montgomery.

11:08 AM: I hit Cottondale, Florida. Always watch out for the speedtrap in Cottondale. The speed limit goes from 55 to 35 in the time it takes me to unzip my fly. Cottondale is a depressing little town. I am positive that everyone who lives there was born there. No one moves to Cottondale.

11:23 AM: I cross into Alabama, where incest and bestiality are the norm. And gum disease. Don't forget gum disease. Although I notice gas is about a quarter cheaper here than in Florida. So if you want to spend less on gas, and are willing to fuck your toothless cousin to do it, Alabama is the state for you.

11:29 AM: I see the first heavy handed religious billboard. Something about 666 and the Mark of the Beast. I have to hand it to Alabama, no one does over the top religious billboards like they do.

11:33 AM: I pass the site for the National Peanut Festival. These people love their peanuts. This signals my coming into Dothan. Dothan is where you can lose some time, partly because you have to go through so many lights, and partly because every third vehicle is a pick up truck that is loaded up with stuff that is not tied down correctly, so they can't go faster than 30 MPH.

11:59 AM; I pass the Tool Box 2, which is a strip club as you leave Dothan. It promises Go Go and Exotic Dancers. I don't know what passes for an exotic dancer in Dothan, Alabama and I don't want to know.

12:10 PM: I reach Ozark, Alabama. I am pretty sure there are guys who are their own father in Ozark.

12:18 PM: I cross the Pea River. I don't see any peas. Or any vegetables down there at all.

12:23 PM: I go past a metal sculpture shop that has a giant metal chicken out front. This is how I know I am close to my pit stop.

12:27 PM: I reach Brundidge, which bills itself as the Antique City of Alabama. Fascinating. I pull in to the gas station that is my usual stopping point. I don't know why I always come here. They don't carry the water I like, and the bathroom is usually a nightmare. But I am a creature of habit.

Sure enough, I have to get Springtime water because they have no Dasani. And the bathroom is icky plus the door is broken and won't lock. Luckily no one comes in while I am peeing.

The cashiers in the store are among the most singularly unattractive people I have ever seen in my life. My penis reaches a state of flacidity heretofore unknown.

12:27 pm: Back on the road. As expected, the water sucks. The label says it was bottled somewhere in Georgia, but I'm pretty sure the source must be the River Styx.

12:43 PM: I pass the Cattleman's Association. There is a giant metal cow out front. Okay, so Alabama is the home to incest, bestiality, and giant metal animals. I make a mental note.

1:02 PM: There is a sign pointing down a side road that states "Trucker Family Reunion Site." The pull to investigate is strong, but I focus on the task at hand.

1:21 PM: After making up some time between Troy and Montgomery, I turn right at the Phillips 66 and head down Taylor Road to get back on another highway. I hate Montgomery. It's dull and gray and depressing. Montgomery is a perfect city to check into a dingy motel and kill yourself. I make another mental note.

1:28 PM: I get on I-85 S. I always have to remember to go south, not north, even though I am headed north. You have to go a little ways south on 85 to go north on 65. See how screwed up Alabama is? Black is white, up is down, in is out.

1:36 PM: I get on I-65 N. This is the second longest stretch of highway on my journey. I should be able to make up ground here. I dispense with the cruise control and jockey for position.

1:49 PM: I listen to the Born to Run album on my iPod. It reminds me of my favorite line in the Sopranos' season before last, when Christopher arrives late for a meeting and when Tony calls him on it he says "Sorry, the highway was jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive."

2:05 PM: I cross over Walnut Creek. I don't see any walnut trees.

2:06 PM: I realize that I don't know what walnut trees look like.

2:18 PM: I pass a Chevy Tahoe with writing on the back window: "Just hitched. We can do it now!" Ahh, young love.

2:20 PM: I pass a laundry basket on the side of the road. First time I've seen one of those.

2:28 PM: I think I forgot my toothbrush.

2:31 PM: I hate everyone in Tennessee. This is the fifth car with TN plates since I started that won't move out of the far left lane. Refuses to. I have had to go around all of them. Stupid Tennessee.

2:37 PM: It looks like rain. Shit.

2:39 PM: It starts to rain. Motherfucker.

2:41 PM: I pass exit 255, which is where I would get off if I were going to the Birmingham branch.

2:44 PM: The rain starts to come down so heavily that I am forced to slow down to 45-50 MPH. There goes the time I made up. Why do these things always happen to me? This sucks!

2:47 PM: The rain stops and the sun is out. What was I so worried about?

2:52 PM. My notes say "RR Hwy". I don't know what that means. I hope it wasn't funny. I am having to leave out about 10% - 15% of my notes because I can't read them. It's not easy taking notes while you're driving, you know.

2:58 PM: Oh. My. God. A Tennessee car actually yields the left lane. He must not have gotten the memo.

3:05 PM: I am starting to get into terrain that reminds me of Western Massachusetts, where I grew up. Lots of hills and highways carved out of rock. I never really notice how flat Florida is until I go somewhere that is hilly.

3:08 PM: A truck in front of my hits some wood in the middle of the road and a small piece of wood slams into the front of my car. That reminds me, I still need to check to see if there is any damage.

3:16 PM: For third time in the trip the warning ding sounds because I have left the turn signal on. It's not my fault. The turn signals are very quiet in this car.

3:28 PM: On the side of the road a car has been pulled over by a cop. It has Tennessee plates. Hahahahahahaha.

3:46 PM: I pull off onto 565 E. I am in the home stretch now.

3:58 PM: I get off onto 255 N. There is a second access loop I have to take, so I want to move right, but there is a car in that lane that wants to move left. The prudent move would have been to drop back and let him move first, but I gun it and cross in front of him. Unfortunately I can't slow down fast enough and I hit the loop going about 55 instead of 25 and for one sickening moment I think the car is going to slide off the road. But it doesn't. I'm such a good driver.

4:01 PM: Is this 72 E? It looks like 565 again. Shit, I always do this up here. No, wait. There is a sign stating this is 72. Whew!

4:03 PM: I get onto University Avenue.

4:05: PM: I have arrived! Not too shabby. Eight hours and three minutes. I really had to push the envelope on I-65 to do it, though.

4:38 PM: All settled in. There is a convenience store and two restaurants right next door. The room is great. The fridge is now stocked, the computer set up, and all my stuff unpacked. I took pictures of my luggage and toiletry bag, but I can't figure out how to send them from my cell phone to my computer yet. I'll get to it.

Actually, I wish I had brought a camera. There were many good photo ops along the way.

It turns out I remembered my toothbrush.

Let the work week begin!

I'm ready to go back.

I listened to three new releases during the trip:

The new Dixie Chicks album B+
The Pussycat Dolls B- (I should have just downloaded the single Don't cha)
The new Robert Earl Keen album A- (he's back!)

Oh, and the title of the post? You thought it had something to do with me? No. Those were the three things I kept track of during the journey:

Cars broken down on the side of the road: 38
Squished animals in various states of decomposition: 26
Cars stopped by law enforcement personnel: 7

Hey, it passes the time.

On The Road Again & My New Hero!

2006-07-16T05:54:00.000-04:00

I am off to Huntsville today. It has been a while since I traveled out of town on business. I am still at corporate and have not yet moved over to the branch. So off I go.

During the coming week, I may not be around to your blogs quite as much as usual. My days are going to be packed, and I'll likely be out to dinner every night and I'm not sure when I'll be getting back to the hotel.

I will still be posting every day, though, and responding to your comments.

It is a horrific drive today that will take about eight and a half hours. Don't even mention planes. You know how I am.

But I like to drive, and I figured I would take notes with the recorder on my PDA and blog about the trip on Monday. I don't know if I can make a long car trip interesting but I'll sure try.

You know, if any of you guys loved me you would come and help me out. I mean there is a lot of work to be done. I am probably not even going to have the time or energy for any hookers and blow. So you know Mr. Fab be gettin' some serious work done.

Did I just talk about myself in the third person?

I got a Chevy Impala for my rental car. Nothing special. The girls at the counter would have upgraded me, but they didn't have anything cool. I bring a ton of stuff when I go on the road. A huge suitcase, my dress clothes, my work laptop, my personal laptop, and a case of water. Who travels that heavy for a week? I'm like friggin' Diana Ross for crying out loud.

Wait till I unpack. I'll show you my toiletry bag. You will be convinced I am gay.

Ha! My grocery receipts are better than yours!

That was the subject line on an email I got yesterday. It was from the always fabulous Attila the Mom.

And you know what? She was absolutely right. Check out these beauties:

Well, it looks like I can't get the middle one to show up as the right size, but she saved 98% on that one.

What is up with that? They pretty much eat for free at her house!

I asked her how she did it, and this is how she responded:

It's almost obscene, isn't it? LOL Those were my three "absolute best" so far. Normally I hit 60-80% off.

She is my new hero. She is stickin' it to the man!

I don't know if I will ever be able to go grocery shopping again. I don't feel worthy.

Okay, gotta have breakfast and start packing. Have a good day, y'all.

It's Saturday, break out the lemurs!

2006-07-15T00:02:00.000-04:00

How do people show their love for me? With fabulous cash prizes? Promises of the delights of pleasures of the flesh? Brand new automobiles?

Nope. They send me lemur pictures.

This little beauty was sent to me by Cranky Prof. How hot is this? How many of you are gonna grab this off the blog and use it to fuel your own masturbatory fantasies? Let's have a show of hands, please...

You would think it is the lingerie, but it's the pipe that does it for me.

Bluepaintred sent me this one and tried to get me to believe that it was a naked photo of her. But I know better than that. I happen to know that she is actually slightly hairier than this. How do I know?

Hidden cameras.

I thought I had posted this before, but I can't find it in my pictures folder so perhaps I didn't. If I did, here it is again. Tricia sent me this. She is always looking for weird stuff for her blog Odd Planet. It seems I've typed that line before. So maybe I have posted this one. Maybe I should just shut up and move on...

And now, if you can believe it, there is a blog called Lemur Girl! Plus that is the name she goes by. Plus her email name is fluff_munster and somehow that sounds delightfully naughty.

The only problem is she is from England. So you can't understand what she's saying. I swear, I wish people would learn to speak American. Jeez!

I mean, pub? Flat? Mummy? Bum? Lift? Lord Mountbatten?

I give up.

"People...people who kill people...are the luckiest people...in the world..."

I admit to having had a facination with serial killers for a long time, ever since I read Ann Rule's The Stranger Beside Me shortly after it first came out.

It hasn't been a constant area of interest, but every couple of years or so I'll delve back into it. I know a lot of people probably find this morbid. Well, I can't help that. I am facinated by what makes these people tick.

We have had more than our share of serial killers here in Florida.

Anyway, my blogging buddy Barb has started a blog about serial killers. It's entitled Dead Silence and it is damn good. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but I suggest taking a look. Don't worry, there are no gross pictures that I have seen when I've been over there.

If you want to see gross pictures, I can always post a photo of me, naked except for the wooden shoes, covered from head to toe in raspberry jelly. Masturbating.

No? Okay.

Let's test her theory...

2006-07-14T03:50:00.000-04:00

On Sunday my blogging buddy Zhadi made this comment:

On a different topic, do you realize you're the blogging equivalent of Stephen King? You could post your grocery list and people would still say that you're FABulous...

By the way, Zhadi is fabulous. She lives in California and is a writer and an actress and all kinds of things. She is neat-o, as the kids would say. Well, as the kids would say in 1957.

She can also sword fight. How many people do you know can sword fight? How freaking cool is that?

Also, remember that tiger I used to have for my avatar? She knows him! His name is Caesar. How cool it that?

I digress. Again.

Oh yeah, the grocery list. Well, I thought I would test her theory out. Unfortunately this meant I needed to go through our big garbage can outside to find the receipt from when I last went grocery shopping. But I emerged triumphant, covered in ick, and here it is:

I spent more than I usually do last week. We got some high end cold meat, some fresh fish, and some nice cuts of meat. Plus I bought a couple of filters for the air conditioner, and I am just now realizing how much they cost. Jesus Christ, are they made out of platinum?

You'll notice dog food on there. We don't have a dog. We feed it to the raccoons.

And don't get all excited about the spinach and carrots and grapes We don't eat that healthy. That is all for our rabbits.

Look how early I go. 8 a.m. That way when Mrs. Fab gets, up the food is purchased, put away, and the menu is planned. Aren't I a great husband?

Of course, it's usually not long after that that I am awakening her in some rude fashion or another.

As you can see, Kelly was the cashier that day. I remember her as blandly pleasant. And the bag boy was very good.

You will also notice we don't use coupons. I don't have the attention span for that. Or the time. I am sure they are useful, though.

Okay, I guess that about wraps up my trip to the grocery store. Pretty riveting stuff, eh?

Have a great weekend guys! Mine is only one day long, as I have to drive to Huntsville on Sunday. More on that later.

Go nuts!

Baby Poop, Breakfast, and Worthy Causes

2006-07-13T04:08:00.000-04:00

How can you resist a title like that?

Baby Poop

I have mentioned my friend Christine before. She works across town at the local branch. Here she is:

Isn't she cute? She's like a little pixie. But don't cross her. Years ago at a place she worked she literally punched out her boss. So I try to stay on her good side.

These are her adorable kids. Here is Oliver. He is 2 years and 8 months old.

And here is Owen. He is 1 year and 6 months old. And he seems to be having a grand old time eating paint. Gee, I hope it wasn't house paint.

Sigh...I know, the pixtures aren't sized right. I couldn't get Blogger to load them so I loaded them from my Photobucket account but no matter how I tried I couldn't get them to come out the way I wanted them. But you can tell they are the Cutest. Kids. Ever.

What do you want from me? I am not known for my intellectual abilities. I am known for my razor sharp wit and sexual talents.

She has an adorable husband, too. But I don't have any pictures of him. Sorry, Jason.

Okay, before I get to the baby poop, I need to share what Christine wrote in an email to me after she gave me permission to post the kids' pictures:

Ok, I decided you could put their picture on your blog. But you better not refer to them as white trash or anything just because they have been pooping in strange (to you) places. They are the sweetest, cutest kids in the whole world and if you portray them in any other way I will have to kill you. --Christine

Like a said, a pixie. A pixie with an attitude.

Anyway, we were talking on the phone the other day and she was mentioning that over the weekend her kids had pooped outside. Owen pooped in the pool, and apparently Oliver dropped trou and pooped in the yard. He went over to where the dog defecates and did his business.

I, of course, was mortified. I could not believe this was normal behavior. And so of course, being the good friend that I am, I mocked her mercilessly. She kept assuring me that it was a very common occurance in children that age.

Now, I don't have any kids, but I just still can't believe this is happening all over the world. Is it? I offer it up to all my blogger buddies with kids. Has this happened to you? Where is the strangest place your kid has done #2?

I swear, society is breaking down!

Don't say anything bad about her kids, though, or she'll come after you.

Breakfast

Yesterday for breakfast I had hotdogs. Would anybody care to guess why I had hotdogs for breakfast?

Anyone? Anyone?

Because my first choice, hot wings, was too much trouble to make at the moment.

This is my life.

Worthy Causes

Have you heard about Blogathon 2006? On July 29 at least 240 bloggers will be blogging for 24 hours straight in support of their favorite cause. They will posting once every half hour.

Currently I am sponsoring three bloggers.

I am sponsoring my friend Barb over at allnight.org. She is blogging for The Maryland SPCA.

I am also sponsoring Laci at Long, Slow, Beautiful Dance. She is sponsoring for WHAS Crusade for Children.

And I am sponsoring Bug at An Indian Summer. She is blogging for The American Cancer Society. Thanks to the always fabulous 3T for inspiring me to sponsor Bug.

I think this is an incredible idea. I would do it, except I have a very short attention span and limited time. So I chose instead to do some sponsoring. I urge you to check out the website and if you're got a few bucks burning a hole in your pocket, pick a charity or a blogger you like and make a pledge. Here is a list of all the bloggers and their causes.

Pledge on!

See? It ain't all about lemurs and underwear and anal sex! I have a mind too, dammit!

Prurient PG-13 Post

2006-07-12T04:15:00.000-04:00

I would like to apologize in advance for this post. I woke up at about 1:30 in the morning a few days ago with the idea for this post in my head, and it kept rattling around in my brain until I had to get up and write it.

Monday Memories, The Thursday 13, Wordless Wednesdays, FOAD Thursdays, Half Naked Thursdays, Dedication Fridays, Click and Comment Mondays, etc.

It seems we bloggers have a lot of special gimmicks designed to both give us ideas about what to write and to encourage active participation centered around a common theme.

I think we need more. And I think we need to push the envelope a bit. And so I offer up the following ideas:

Masturbation Monday
Friday Bestiality Roundup
Weenie Wavin' Wednesday
Thuck It Thursday (lispers only)
Fudge Packin' Fridays
Lick Me Where I Pee Weekend
Hand Job Holiday
Fantastic Fellatio Fairytales
Anal Leakage Wednesday
Jizz Soaked Saturday
Sundays are Incest-arrific!
Yo Mama Monday
We Live in the Fornication Nation
It's A Whack Off Weekend!
Fuck Stick Fortnight
Wanker Wednesday (United Kingdom only)
Bodily Fluid Cavalcade!
...And Oral Sex for All
Whose Vagina is This?
Saturday's Dirty Sanchez
Water Retaining Wednesday
It Burns When I Pee Sunday
Rimjob of the Week
Tongue Me Tuesday

This has been a public service to all bloggers everywhere.

I'm a giver. It's my nature.

Cousin Freddie

2006-07-11T06:02:00.000-04:00

Okay, you all have freaky relatives. And some of you, like Dick, have a lot of freaky fictional relatives. Allow me to tell you the story of Mrs. Fab's cousin Freddie.

Freddie is a couple of years older than Mrs. Fab, and lives up in Massachusetts. Well...yeah, I guess it still counts as living somewhere if you are in prison, doesn't it?

Freddie was always a little strange growing up. He never married, he rarely came to the family events. We just learned on Sunday that his mother used to beat all the kids and their father, so perhaps that had something to do with it.

They thought Freddie was gay. And maybe he was, we don't know. Probably not I guess, in light of his crimes.

Anyhow, Freddie lives here now:

It was the best picture I could find of the Billerica House of Correction.

Why does Freddie call that lovely institution home?

Well, Freddie had a habit of creeping into people's backyards and stealing clothing off the clotheslines. Well, he didn't take just any clothing. He preferred women's panties exclusively.

What would Freddie do with those panties? Well, he would write nasty things in them. And then he would ejaculate into them. Just to show the depth of his affection, I assume. And then he would put them back on the line.

So at least he returned them.

He would also follow and stalk women he liked. Freddie was shy, I guess. Oh, but he would eventually let them know how he felt about them. How?

With flowers? No. With candy? No? A card, a phone call, a kind word?

No, no, and no.

He would break in their cars.

And defecate in them.

Smooth, eh?

So, Freddie won't be with us for a while. I'm not sure for how long. I tried to look it up but I couldn't find it.

Have you got a freakier relative than Freddie?

Now, in the interests of full disclosure, I should tell you that Freddie may not be the freakiest relative in Mrs. Fab's family.

Apparently there is documented proof that Mrs. Fab's mother's side of the family can be traced back all the way to around the time of the Pilgrims in Massachusetts. And there is also documentation that one of the relatives spent time in jail for having sexual relations with a turkey.

That's right. Mrs. Fab is decended from turkey fuckers. Turkey fuckers and public defecators.

Beat that.

Hey look ma, I made a meme!

2006-07-10T00:02:00.000-04:00

Okay, the other day I threatened to make a meme and over the weekend I did. There are 50 questions and I call it Meme-ology. I had fun with it. If I had more time I would tinker with it, but I have a tendency to over-tinker, and I wanted to post it today, so I have learned to let go.

I know not all of you do memes, and that's cool. But if you like it, feel free to use it. They come in handy on days that you don't know what to write. And I don't think this one requires any great thought (we here at "The Drivel" are not big fans of "great thought"). I am not going to tag anyone, I am just throwing it out there into the void, and we'll see if it has legs. Hopefully I came up with at least some ideas that have not been done yet.

As far as Mrs. Fab's family, remind me to tell you about Cousin Freddie tomorrow. I bet you can't trump the story of Cousin Freddie...

MEME-OLOGY

GRUB-OLOGY
What is your salad dressing of choice? Bleu Cheese, almost always
What is your favorite fast food restaurant? It probably varies, but I would say Taco Bell
What is your favorite sit down restaurant? Maggiano's. Unfortunately I can only eat there when I am in Atlanta
On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant? 20%. If the service is horrible, I will do 10% and if the service is outstanding, I will do 30%
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Pizza. It's so versatile!
Name three foods you detest above all others. Peanut butter, sushi, calamari
What is your favorite dish to order in a Chinese restaurant? Sweet and sour chicken, always
What are your pizza toppings of choice? Extra cheese and pepperoni. Everything else is negotiable
What do you like to put on your toast? Just margarine 95% of the time
What is your favorite type of gum? Dentyne Ice

TECH-OLOGY
Number of contacts in your cell phone? 91. Why aren't you in there? I need more text message buddies!
Number of contacts in your email address book? 187. I had no idea. That seems like a lot.
What is your wallpaper on your computer? Reservoir Dogs. But it's time for a change.
What is your screensaver on your computer? Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. Ditto.
Are there naked pictures saved on your computer? Not. A. Single. One. Go ahead and check...
How many land line phones do you have in your house? 3
How many televisions are in your house? 5
What kitchen appliance do you use the least? I would have said electric can opener, but Mrs. Fab says it's the mixer. And I guess she's right, because I didn't know we had a mixer...
What is the format of the radio station you listen to the most? Hmm...that is a tough one, because I usually listen to the 70's station on XM radio. When I do listen to a station in town it is usually 92.5 Classic Rock.
How many sex toys do you own that require batteries? None. Unless Mrs. Fab is hiding something from me. Wait. Does it count if I stick batteries up my ass?

BI-OLOGY
What do you consider to be your best physical attribute? My eyes.
Are you right handed or left handed? Right handed.
Do you like your smile? No. I usually have more of a smirk, anyway.
Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Um...just wisdom teeth.
Would you like to? I guess you can have my appendix if you really want it...
Do you prefer to read when you go to the bathroom? I prefer it, even if I am only going to be a minute. I don't know why. But it's not a must.
Which of your five senses do you think is keenest? This is a tough one for me. Who thought this stuff up. I am going to say touch. But I have no real reason for it. All my senses are dull LOL
When was the last time you had a cavity? Good question. I would say 6 years ago or so, but I am supposed to call my dentist today about some xrays they took last week, so who knows...
What is the heaviest item you lift regularly? 50 pound bags of cracked corn. You want to know why, don't you? Suffer!
Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Once about 20 years ago, but just for a few seconds. No, I take that back, I got hit by a car in junior high, too. So, twice.

MISC-OLOGY
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? I go back and forth on this. Right now...no.
If you could change your first name, what would you change it to? I actually really like my first name.
How do you express your artistic side? Through my writing. And maybe some blood drive promotions.
What color do you think you look best in? I think I look best in black. Mrs. Fab says blue. How long do you think you could last in a medium security prison? Whoo, boy. I like to think I could last a long time on my wits and smarts, but it is hard to ingratiate yourself with sociopaths.
Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? I thought about this for a long time. I don't think so, unless you consider a bug a non-food item
If we weren’t bound by society’s conventions, do you have a relative you would make a pass at? I can honestly say that I would not be tempted by anyone on either side of our family.
How often do you go to church? I don't. I hear good things though...God, right?
Have you ever saved someone’s life? No, I can't say that I have.
Has someone ever saved yours? I am pretty sure Mrs. Fab did by marrying me, but as for pulling me from the jaws of mortal danger, no.

DARE-OLOGY
For this last section, if you would do it for less or more money, indicate how much
Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000? I would probably do it for a quarter of that, but yes.
Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100? Absolutely.
Would you have sex with a member of the same sex for $10,000? Hmm...if Mrs. Fab approved, I might have to negotiate up to $15,000.
Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000? Yes, but that would be the minimum, and I think I would prefer a cool quarter million.
Would you never blog again for $50,000? Boy, what does it say that this is the toughest one for me to answer. No, I would not. It would take a quarter million, same as my finger.
Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000? Sure. I'll do it today if you want.
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? Hmm...I don't know how much damage you can do to yourself doing this. Maybe for $2500 I would. But I would want to research it first.
Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000? No question about it. I'll take as many as you want me to at a million per. I'll do it for half that a head if you let me pick the people. I am completely serious. Look into my eyes.
Would you shave your head and get your entire body waxed for $5,000? I already do the head so...yeah probably.
Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000? Wow...no baseball, no Seinfeld, no HBO...yeah, I would do it but I would not be happy with it.

Tag some people you love, or offer it up to your peeps. Or send me an email with naked pictures of yourself.

Those are your only three options.

Reasons numbers 33, 64, and 91 why Mrs. Fab is a saint...

2006-07-09T00:02:00.000-04:00

#33 I have developed the habit lately of either on Saturday or Sunday, when I wake Mrs. Fab up, doing so by coming out of the shower into the bedroom without towelling off, throwing off her covers and jumping on top of her, screaming, and rubbing my wet nakedness all over her. Yeah, it sounds good, but it's kind of a jarring way to wake up. She just giggles, though. Although I forsee the day coming when she stops giggling.

#64 I also have a habit of adopting fake foreign accents in public places. Friday night we were at Sonny's and I was talking to the waitstaff as if I was from an Eastern Bloc country, despite her constant hissing at me to knock it off.

#91 Mrs. Fab detests those bizzare Sub-Lymonal Advertising commercials for Sprite. She cringes every time one comes on TV or during the ads before a movie. I came back from grocery shopping with a six pack of Sprite and put it in bed with her. Then I turned on the light and started screaming about her cheating on me. As she groggily woke up I pulled off the covers I angrily accused her of having an affair with a deliciously refreshing carbonated lemon lime beverage.

When she got over her shock, stopped laughing, and regained her composure she just shook her head and walked off to the bathroom saying "There is something wrong with you."

It ain't easy being her.

But today karma bites me in the ass as we are headed to Orlando to spend time with many of the in-laws. Or, as I prefer to call it, The Festival of the Inbred.

And I can't even get blogging material out of it, because I don't blog about Mrs. Fab's family. I would not know where to begin.

Pray for me.

Low Impact post! No heavy lifting!

2006-07-08T00:01:00.000-04:00

Hey, it's Saturday. Who wants to read a long post? Aren't I thoughtful? Who wants to have my baby? I have never tried fisting. Anyone want to fess up?
I don't have Alzheimers, but I sometimes have trouble with directions.
I hate rotaries.

I hope everyone is having a lovely weekend. I am going to try to write my own meme this weekend and then on Monday see if anyone wants to do it.

Okay, if you won't have my baby, can I dress up as your baby?

I've said too much.

Be good, fly low, stay cool!

Friday potpourri

2006-07-07T04:41:00.000-04:00

***Dixie from Dixie Peach nailed it! Mandy, Fantastagirl, and Leave all guessed there that are 300 CDs in my home CD changer, and Dixie guessed 267. I went and checked, and by golly she got it perfect! I wonder if she is spying on me...

Thanks to everyone who participated. I think people seemed to like the contest, so we'll have another one down the line if I can think of a theme. Dixie, you will receive notification of your $50 gift certificate to Mystickal Incense & More in the next day or two. Enjoy!

***I need to clear up a couple of misconceptions about my 5K. I don't run it, I walk it. I walk it at a pretty good clip, and it's not a flat route, but it's still walking. And I don't do it every day, although I am trying to get myself to the point where I do it six days a week.

***I appreciate everyone's advice about the air conditioner leak. I painted all the affected areas I could with Killz, and I used a spray cleaner on the carpet and sprayed a lot of that Oust air freshener.

Consequently, most of the house smells fine now, but the den still smells like ass. So I am meeting a carpet cleaning company here at noon on Monday and they will do their thing. And hopefully that will be the end of it.

It is not good to have a room that smells like ass. I bet the maids freak out today.

***And now the softer side of Mr. Fab. I had a very special office mate yesterday at work:
Meet Nicholas. He is Jennifer's son. He had a doctor's appointment today so Jennifer brought him to work instead of daycare. Every time he would start to fuss she would rush in because she was afraid I would be pissed off. Hardly. I was enchanted by the young lad, and I spent about a half hour holding him and playing with him and talking to him.

I like babies. I wouldn't want one, but I like them in the short term. Especially when I don't have to clean up baby poop.

***A couple of days ago when I posted about Carefree, Ginnie made the comment that it might be fun to name ourselves after products and she wondered what product name I would take for myself. I think it is obvious:

You can have a lot of fun with product names. The Swiss Miss gave Mr. Clean a Hummer behind the Log Cabin. It was a real Slurpee.

What product would you pick for your new name?

***Most days I drink a lot of water. I was wondering today if I saved all my urine during the course of a 24 hour period if it would fill a gallon jug. See what happens when I am left alone with my thoughts?

***Hey, everyone have a great weekend. Have I told you lately that I love you all? Well, I do.
Have some fun this weekend. We may try to brave the crowds and see Pirates 2. We are dying to see it. Or we may go down to Orlando to see the Mrs. Fab's parents. Or we may just kick back with some malt liquor and black tar heroin.

It's all good.

Important information you NEED!

2006-07-06T06:19:00.000-04:00

When I come back in from doing my 5K in the morning, my clothes are wringing wet with sweat, so the first I do is take them off, and then I set about making breakfast for myself.

Which means that while I am in the kitchen rustling up some food, I am naked, sweaty, flushed, and still breathing heavily.

Does that do anything for you?

Just so you know...

2006-07-06T06:17:00.000-04:00

The movie Little Man starring Shawn and Marlon Wayans opens on July 14.

This looks, to me, like the stupidest movie ever. The trailers make me cringe. Literally.

If any of you go to see this movie, and you like it, and you tell me you went to it and liked it, I am going to have to remove you from my blogroll LOL.

Plus I am going to have you reported to...something. There must be some department in charge of rounding people up who like movies like this. I don't think that it would be going too far to advocate forced sterilization for those people.

I am guessing that the rating at Rotten Tomatoes will end up being about...14%.

Here comes the trailer again...

Please make it stop.

My man Carefree!

2006-07-05T04:21:00.000-04:00

I don’t know what made me think of this the other day.

Twenty years ago I worked as a supervisor for Callahan Oil Company. One of the businesses Callahan Oil Company operated was a chain of convenience stores called Grampy’s Corner Store. My home store was on King Street in Northampton. Jozee probably remembers the store. It was next to the Hotel Northampton. It’s not there anymore.

Anyway, Northampton was, and is, known for having a colorful cast of characters. And one of those characters was a fellow who only went by the name of Carefree. I could never get another name out of him. When asked, he would only say his name was Carefree.

He wasn’t homeless, like so many of the other characters in town. In fact, he was always fairly well dressed and had a job somewhere nearby because he would pass by the store on his way to work. I remember he often carried an umbrella. He was an odd sort of fellow. He looked kind of like a gnome if gnomes were more normal sized. He had round glasses and somewhat unruly brown hair and a mustache and beard. Like either a gnome or a slightly demented professor. Or a comic book artist. I never did find out what he did for a living.

So, you may be asking yourselves, what? Why bring up this guy? So far he seems fairly unremarkable. And he was. He was a bit peculiar perhaps, but mostly unremarkable.

Mostly.

One day he motioned me aside to ask me when the store would be getting another delivery of gasoline. He was very interested in how we got our deliveries, whether they came on a regular basis, and if so when, etc.

He admitted to me that he received intense sexual pleasure from watching the gas get pumped from the truck into the underground tanks.

I kid you not.

It was hit or miss for him, because we never really knew when we’d be getting a delivery, but every once in a while he’d luck out and be walking by when the truck was there. And sure enough, he’d be standing out there watching the hose with a huge smile on his face.

I don’t even want to think about what he did when he got home.

Good old Carefree.

*I am still awaiting one more tiebreaker response from one of the first place finishers in the contest before I can announce the winner in the contest.

*If you've got a second, and you want to do me a favor, there is a button on my sidebar like this

Give it a click and vote as to how you would rate my blog from 1-10. My ranking is in the toilet. I'm not asking you to rate me a 10. I don't think I'm a 10. Just hit me with what you think is fair. Thanks!

Don't bet against the House (of Fab)

2006-07-04T03:19:00.000-04:00

This is Sharra. You might remember this picture from the party Mrs. Fab and I threw back in May.

Sharra has a team in our company fantasy baseball league.

She's a lovely girl. And she has many fine qualities. Managing a fantasy baseball team is not, however, one of them.

Our two teams went head-to-head last week. And Sharra, in an unusual show of bravado called me out and challenged me. Me! Can you believe it?

On the line: A deluxe massage at a spa for her, and three months tanning for me.

Who won?

Let's just say she may feel free to eat her heart out whenever she casts her eyes on my golden healthy glow.
By the way, that is not me in the photo.

In stinky news, I put two coats of Kilz on all the wood and plaster and I repainted the concrete. I'll get everything put back in there today. Then we will evaluate the carpet situation. We'll get it cleaned first and see where we need to go from there.

Thanks for all the advice guys, I really appreciate it!

Have a great 4th of July if you are in America. And if you are in Canada, much love, my blogging pals from the north!

Contest results and my stinky house.

2006-07-03T05:02:00.000-04:00

There ended up being a four way tie for first place for the $50 gift certificate to Mystickal Incense & More between Amanda, Fantastagirl, Dixie, and Leave It to Cleavage.

Hmm...I ought to just give it to Leave. I am a breast man...

Major props to these four ladies. They beat out Mrs. Fab, my sisters, and fifty two other folks. Now on to the tiebreakers!

Ladies, please email me at Tjotjog@yahoo.com with your answers to the following two questions:

1. How many CDs are in my home stereo CD changer (0-300)?
2. How many songs are on my iPod (0-5000)?

It might take a day or two to finalize the results, depending on if people are on vacation. I'll keep you posted.

*************************************************************************************
Our house reeks! When the A/C failed, icky, smelly water leaked out all over the carpet.

We've used air fresheners, scented candles, carpet spray, baking soda, a bowl full of bleach--nothing has worked.

If we're in the house for a while, it is less noticable. But when you come in from the outside it bowls you over.

I feel unclean. I feel the odor is becoming a part of me.

We're going to repaint the closet where the unit is housed with something called Kilz, which is a paint specifically designed to prevent mold, according to what Mrs. Fab's people say. And I guess there is nothing to do but hire a carpet cleaning service to come in and do their thing.

There goes some of the $720 I didn't really save. I just don't know when one of us will have time to come home from work and wait for them clean the carpet.

Anyone have any other ideas?

Maybe we could move...

How to save big money!

2006-07-02T05:59:00.000-04:00

I got home from work a little early on Friday, after coming from the tanning salon (yeah, I know, I have a rough life). I stood on the front porch. Hesistantly I put my key in the lock. I turned it. I took a deep breath. I opened the door and stepped in.

Ahhhhhhhhhh. Cool, cool air.

Mrs. Fab had stayed behind and waited for the A/C guys in the morning. I hadn't heard from her, so I assumed all had gone well, but I still couldn't know for sure until I got home.

But all was well in the House of Fab.

In the kitchen, the bill from the A/C company was on the table. $800. Ouch! That hurt.

Oh well. Gotta have the air conditioning in Florida in the summer. Gotta. No way around it.
It still kinda stung though. That's a pretty big hit to take out of the blue like that. Stupid house.

I looked at it again. The bill wasn't very detailed. Eight big ones. Shit.

When Mrs. Fab got home I asked her how long it had taken them to fix it.

"Ten minutes."

"Ten minutes? Eight hundred dollars for ten minutes work!?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I saw the bill for $800!"

"It was $80."

"Are you sure?"

"Uh, yeah, I wrote the check. Duh!" (Okay, she didn't say "duh" but I'm pretty sure it was implied)

I got up and looked more carefully. Sure enough, there was only one zero, but it kind of had a double loop.

"Oh. $80. Well, that's better."

The thing is, I now feel as if I have saved $720 somehow. I really do. I feel pretty good about that. Maybe I should take some of that money and buy some stuff.

Oh man, too bad I didn't think it said $8000...

In other news (see how considerate I am by putting all this in one post) my friend Tricia sent me another lemur pick. She is always looking for goofy stuff for her blog Odd Planet (one of her five blogs thank you very much) and when she gets a lemur hit she sends it my way:

Aren't they adorable? Don't you just want to dip their ringed tales in bosco and paint chocolate mustaches on statues in the park?

Whoa. Where did that come from?

And finally, I will leave you with a few cartoons that made me chuckle:

You have until 7 PM tonight to enter the contest. Currently there is a four way tie for first place!

Happy Sunday, everyone!

We love to learn more about Mr. Fab...

2006-07-01T05:55:00.000-04:00

I saw this meme over at the always fabulous Erin's site and I liked it enough to steal it. I like a good meme every once in a while. There's no heavy lifting. Perfect for a Saturday. Plus you get to learn a little about me. As if you needed to know any more.

Hey, if you haven't done the quiz, check this out. So far there is a three way tie for the prize.

My Saturday post is up at Jin's site.

Make it a great weekend!

Sixty-Two Question Meme

1. How old do you wish you were? Hmm…I am interpreting this question as what age would I like to be if I could go back in time. I think I’m happy enough with now. I think I’ll stick with 44.
2. Where were you when 9/11 happened? I was working at the blood bank, having just been promoted to recruitment manager the month before. My assistant came down to tell me about the first plane. Then we heard about the second plane, and shortly after that the donors came pouring in. It was a crazy time to be in blood banking.
3. What do you do when vending machines steal your money? I usually just accept it. It’s not that big a deal.
4. Do you consider yourself kind? Yes, usually. Although I can be a tremendous prick when provoked.
5. If you had to get a tattoo, where and what would it be? If I HAD to get one? It would be to be under pretty dire circumstances for me to give up being able to donate blood for a year, but if I HAD to it would be my wife’s name and I would let her choose where it went.
6. If you could be fluent in any other language what would it be? Spanish, but sadly, I have zero talent for learning languages.
7. Do you know your neighbors? I know them to wave to and have an occasional conversation. We don’t hang out at each other’s house though.
8. What do you consider a vacation? Any day that I am not working.
9. Do you follow your horoscope? No. The only horoscopes I read are the weekly ones in The Onion. Those are hilarious.
10. Would you move for the person you loved? No question about it.
11. Are you touchy feely? Only with my wife, although there are some people I hug at work. They usually initiate it, though.
12. Do you believe that opposites attract? Hmmm…perhaps to a degree, and there are always exceptions, but for the most part I think a relationship stands a better chance of success if the two people have quite a bit in common.
13. Dream job? Commissioner of Major League Baseball.
14. Favorite channels? NESN (gotta watch my Red Sox) and HBO.
15. Favorite place to go on a weekend? To the movies.
16. Showers or Bath? Always a shower. I’m not about to sit there in a tepid pool of my own filth.
17. Do you paint your nails? No. I may tan, but that’s where I draw the line.
18. Do you trust people easily? It depends. I consider myself pretty guarded, but at the same time I have been proven to be quite naïve at times.
19. What are your phobias? I don’t really have anything that I am actually phobic about.
20. Do you want kids? No, my standard answer for twenty years has been that I am too selfish and self absorbed. I like it just the way it is, my wife and our bunnies.
21. Do you keep a handwritten journal? No, I never saw the point of writing something that no one would read.
22. Where would you rather be right now? At home (I’m at work).
23. What makes you feel warm and safe? When my wife hugs me or snuggles up next to me in bed.
24. Heavy or light sleep? Heavy mostly, I think. But it probably varies.
25. Are you paranoid? What do you mean by that? Who told you to ask me that? Are they watching us right now? What are they saying about me? Short answer: yes.
26. Are you impatient? Next question. NEXT QUESTION!
27. Who can you relate to? This was the hardest question for me. I honestly don’t know how to respond. I wonder what that says about me.
28. How do you feel about interracial couples? People are people. Any kind of love is beautiful love. Everybody get over it.
29. Have you been burned by love? No. I have been very fortunate.
30. What’s your life motto? You can’t save everybody, just try not to be living next door to them when they go off.
31. What's your main ringtone on your mobile? Soul Man by Sam and Dave. Always the classics, baby!
32. What were you doing at midnight last night? Sleeping soundly.
33. Who was your last text message from? Wendy.
34. Whose bed did you sleep in last night? What are you implying? I always sleep in my own bed unless I’m traveling. Jeez.
35. What color shirt are you wearing? Black print. I look damn good.
36. Most recent movie you watched? In the theater it was Nacho Libre.
37. Name five things you have on you at all times? My keys, my PDA, my earpiece…that’s it.
38. What color are your bed sheets? White. Off-white if I have an accident during the night.
39. How much cash do you have on you right now? $7.27 in my pocket. My wallet is in the car.
40. What is your favorite part of chicken? The breast.
41. What's your favorite town/city? Hmm…I love Boston, and New York City, and New Orleans. But I will be boring and say right here in Gainesville, Florida.
42. I can’t wait till...I finally apply myself and try to make a living from my writing.
43. Who got you to join MySpace? I don’t belong to MySpace.
44. What did you have for dinner last night? Hot dogs and potato chips. Little league food.
45. How tall are you barefoot? 6’1”. And I have the strength of ten men.
46. Have you ever smoked crack? Not yet, but God willing next week if that guy comes through for me…
47. Do you own a gun? I used to, but I got rid of them all.
48. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? I mostly drink water. If I feel I need it I’ll have a Diet Coke.
49. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? A fake cast and a handkerchief soaked in chloroform.
50. Do you have A.D.D.? Certainly not, that is ridicule…I like kitties…Who took my stapler?
51. What time did you wake up today? 4:35 a.m.
52. Current worry? Too many to count.
53. Current hate? This fucking war.
54. Favorite place to be? At the beach with my wife.
55. Where would you like to travel? We may be going to Las Vegas in the fall and L.A. in the spring. I’m looking forward to that. Of course, they’re going to have shoot me full of horse tranquilizers to get me on the plane…
56. Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs? Hopefully not much will have changed.
57. Last thing you ate? A piece of pound cake.
58. What songs do you sing in the shower? If I sing anything it’s a snippet of whatever song is in my head at the moment.
59. Last person that made you laugh? My wife.
60. Worst injury you've ever had? I hurt my back once years ago and missed about six weeks of work. That’s about it. I’ve never broken anything.
61. Does someone have a crush on you? I doubt it. Why, do you?
62. What is your favorite candy? I don’t eat candy anymore. But in the old days you could not leave me alone with a bag of Smarties.

This just in...

2006-06-30T17:01:00.000-04:00

Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!

2006-06-30T06:39:00.000-04:00

I live in Gainesville, Florida.
Today is June 30.
It is going to be sunny and 95 degrees today.
Gainesville is pretty much surrounded by swamp.
The humidity is going to be brutal.
And the air conditioning in our house broke overnight.
Plus...I was in a bad mood to start with.

Do the math.

This is not good.

Dedication Friday: If I Had a Rocket Launcher

2006-06-30T02:40:00.000-04:00

I am not one of those “living well is the best revenge guys”. Likewise I am not a “turn the other cheek” guy. I am of the school that if someone hits you, you hit them back. Harder.

I believe in the death penalty. I think there are just some people out there that need killing. Or at least a real good ass kicking.

Wow. This post is getting a little heavy.

It seems every day there is something new to get outraged about or someone new at which to get pissed off. Domestic and foreign terrorists, third world civil war, genocide, men who beat their wives, women who kill their kids, pedophiles who abduct and abuse children, murderers, drug dealers, con artists who bilk elderly people out of their life savings, and on and on and on.

My heart goes out to the victims. Who speaks for them? All too often, nobody does. The world seems to be real short on justice these days.

Canadian singer-songwriter Bruce Cockburn wrote this song in 1983 after visiting Guatemalan refugee camps in Mexico. Whenever I hear the song, though, I think about all victims who ever suffered at the hands of evil men and women. Who among us wouldn't love to be in a position to dish out some payback? Who among us wouldn't like the opportunity to exact some justice?

Is it justice, or is it revenge? You know what? I don't care.

If you aren't familiar with the song I urge you to seek it out. It has a haunting stirring melody. At least I feel it does. If I were less technically retarded I could probably figure out how to upload the song here, but we all know that my skill set does not yet include that ability.

Anyway, this song is dedicated to all the evil out there in the world.

If I Had a Rocket Launcher

Here comes the helicopter -- second time today
Everybody scatters and hopes it goes away
How many kids they've murdered only God can say
If I had a rocket launcher...I'd make somebody pay

I don't believe in guarded borders and I don't believe in hate
I don't believe in generals or their stinking torture states
And when I talk with the survivors of things too sickening to relate
If I had a rocket launcher...I would retaliate

On the Rio Lacantun, one hundred thousand wait
To fall down from starvation -- or some less humane fate
Cry for Guatemala, with a corpse in every gate
If I had a rocket launcher...I would not hesitate

I want to raise every voice -- at least I've got to try
Every time I think about it water rises to my eyes
Situation desperate, echoes of the victims cry
If I had a rocket launcher...Some son of a bitch would die

*************************************************************

On a cheerier note, have a great weekend, and if you have not yet done so, don't forget to enter the contest for a $50 gift certificate to Mystickal Insense & More!

Note: Dick and Nobody have been disqualified. Currently there is a three way tie between Fantastagirl, Amanda, and Dixie with 70 each. Stay tuned!

****************************************************************

Oh, and just for Katt: Nooooooooodle! :)

It's quiz time, kids!

2006-06-29T04:32:00.000-04:00

Okay, as I mentioned yesterday, we're going to have a quiz! Have you studied? If you did, it didn't matter. I don't think any of the answers can be found on my blog. The winner will receive a $50 gift certificate from Mystical Incense & More. How cool is that? Check out all the neat stuff they have. And best of all, I won't have to mail anything.

Okay, pay attention. You can take the quiz here: Mr. Fab's Eclectic Quiz

Now, we're going to need a tiebreakers probably, because there are only ten questions, and I don't think they are particularly difficult. So here they are. Whoever get closest to the number will win first prize:

First Tiebreaker: How many CDs are in our CD changer in our home (0-300)?
Second Tiebreaker: How many songs are on my iPod? (0-10,000)

We will only go to the second tiebreaker if two or more people get the first tiebreaker correct.

If you see that you have gotten the high score at the time you take the test, you can email your answers to me at tjotjog(at)yahoo(dot)com.

The contest will run until 7 PM on Sunday, EST.

Good luck!

I would like to thank everyone for all the nice comments over the last couple of days. It made me feel good and, if I am being honest, some of them even caused my nethers to swell.

The top pick from the poll a few days ago is that I am a Misunderstood Genius, with 19% of the vote. Coolest Guy Ever was second with 16% and Playful Sensitive Guy was third with 13%.

Eleven of you picked me as The Only Man I've Ever Loved. Consequently we have doubled security around the Fab Fortress and we are currently taking bids from contractors on how much it would cost to build a moat around the property, in case any of you turn into real life stalkers.

Of course...on the flip side of that...I could probably open up a little internet store and sell my used underwear and other personal items to my adoring public. I mean, if there's a market for it...

Milestone Alert!

2006-06-28T05:15:00.000-04:00

This is my 500th post. I had some glitter graphics proclaiming it, but I couldn't get them to load. Story of my life.

Five hundred. Who would have thought it?

I started this blog in September of 2005 and didn’t really take it seriously until December, and I don’t think I really started to hit my stride until January or February.

And now that I have hit 500 posts, I’m calling it quits.

Just kidding. You’re not getting rid of me that easily.

I see a lot of bloggers burn out, though, and I am always worried about it happening to me. I have posted at least one post every single day for the last six months. I spend a lot of time on blogging or blogging related activities. If I’m not writing posts I’m reading and commenting on the 120+ blogs in my blogroll, or I’m looking for pictures, or I’m writing guest posts, or I’m on Blog Explosion or BlogMad, or I’m tinkering with add-ons…the list goes on and on.

Thankfully 1) I have no kids and 2) I have no life.

And I am not complaining. I am not as busy as I have to be. I am as busy as I want to be.

And I am fortunate that Mrs. Fab is still toiling in law school until she takes the bar in February. So when we are home at night she is on her laptop studying for hours, which leaves me free to tinker with this hobby on my laptop. Now, I don’t know, after she is done she may demand more of my time, unless I can get her to go for her PhD right away…

Of course, if she doesn’t pass the bar, she ain’t coming home. In that case, I’ll have plenty of time to blog.

In any event, I don’t think I’ll be burning out anytime soon. I love blogging, and reading your blogs. And so far it seems as if I have not run out of things to say. Thanks to blogging I have made friends all over the country and all over the world.

I have not one sister, not two sisters, but three sisters.

I have exchanged gifts with several bloggers, and am now the proud owner of a fabulous Lemur mug from CP, a collection of Boll Weevil goodies from Big Pissy, and those kick ass wooden shoes from DutchBitch.

In real life, I have met both a pirate, when he came through my town, and the most soulful person I know, who visited me in Atlanta during a Pagan Blood Drive.

CP and I have talked about getting together one of these days with our respective spouses. And Mrs. Fab and I have tentative plans to meet with Lori and Beady in September, and with Shelli and her husband in October.

It's been a hell of a ride, and who knows what the future may hold? In the meantime, to celebrate, tomorrow I am going to have a quiz. The winner will be awarded a $50 gift certificate to the always fabulous Stephanie's Mystical Incense & More store.

I appreciate every single reader and lurker and stalker and butcher and baker and candlestick maker. Really, where would we be without the candlestick makers?

Thanks guys.

Write on!

Gay or Thirteen Year Old Girl?

2006-06-27T05:20:00.000-04:00

I've been doing some thinking and observing. I have been studying other male bloggers. I have studied Mike a lot. I'm a big fan of Mike. I have studied Karl. And Ben. And Nobody. And lots of others.

I'm not sure I'm a man. I exhibit certain behavior that for the most part they do not exhibit.

Let's look at the evidence, shall we?

I pepper my comments with a lot of smilies. A lot of smilies.

I also throw a lot of exclamation marks and LOLs in there as well.

I use italics a lot for words like fabulous and awesome and incredible.

I have shown a disturbing willingness to sing on my blog.

I have been known to use "OMG!".

Often I use "so" and "not" in my sentence construction. Such as "Oh, it is SO over..." and "Oh, you did NOT go there..."

It does not bother me at all to talk about men I find attractive. I've done several posts on it.

I have used the words "hee hee".

So which is it? Am I gay, or am a thirteen year old girl? I have included a poll below with those options as well as eight others. Please help me figure out who I am.

Help me. And in the meantime, it is Jen's last day here at The House of Fab. Help a brother out and click on over and give her some love. For me?

I need more sleep.

Guest Posts, Learning Stuff, and My Generous Tenant

2006-06-26T03:54:00.000-04:00

Once again I have been busier than a..a..than some guy who is busy doing...something...you know, because he's...busy...

My analogizer is broken.

In any event, if you want to find out why I am the best brother ever, you can do so over at Shelli's Sentiments.

If you want to learn how to eventually rub out all stupid people from your life, you can do so at Stupid People Shouldn't Breed.

And if you want to see me try my feeble hand at writing fiction, you can do so at Devil's Advocate.

I have learned three very important things during the past few days.

1. I am surprisingly limber. At least to the degree that if I pretend to walk like a chicken around the house or, more accurately, a chicken with cerebral palsy, I can bring my foot up high enough and with enough force that my heel comes dangerously close to my family jewels. And I have also learned that there can be an instance where everything aligns just right, and my heel does connect with the family jewels, and after I get up off the floor, trembling and trying to not vomit, walking like a palsied chicken does not seem like such a good idea anymore.

2. I like squeeze mayo, it is very handy. However, when I am making sandwiches and I squeeze a big glop of it onto bread, the shape of it reminds me of nothing else so much as dog turds. Shiny white dog turds. And that's all I can think of. Even after I spread it out. I still eat the sandwich, but I remain vaguely disturbed by it.

3. If I walk around the living room, for no reason, wearing only boxer shorts, and I do so with my thumb in the waistband, pulled way out as far as they will go, Mrs. Fab will look up from her studies with a look of tired resignation. But if my thumb slips, and the elastic snaps back against my nethers, making my eyes pop out and causing me to double over in shock, she will collapse in a paroxysm of laughter until she falls off the couch.

It is important to always be learning new things, don't you think?

Now, allow me to gush about my renter. The other day she sobered up long enough to bestow upon me a gift. Isn't that cool? It must be because I am like, just the coolest landlord ever. I wish we could keep her off the sauce, because she is very talented. I know that if she could just quit the booze and the meth she could become a productive member of society. Check out what she made for me:

Aren't those the ginchiest? Sure, I know the last one has a spelling error, but you've got to cut her a little slack. Hey, why not cut her a little Casual Slack? Oh my God, I just made that up as I was typing this. I am en fuego today!

Wait a sec...I need a moment to bask in my cleverness. Okay.

Anyway, she came up through the Rhode Island school system, and I'm not sure they have real schools there, so we can allow her a little leeway. Plus she may have been sober, but she was still likely hungover.

You know...now that I think about it, the little girl in that last one looks like the same little girl that has been missing around here. I think I saw her picture on some flyers. Maybe I better call the cops...

Well, I'll wait till I get the full week's rent. Then I'll squeal.

The official drink of Pointless Drivel (plus strippers!)

2006-06-25T04:28:00.000-04:00

We here at Pointless Drivel are always looking for marketing opportunities. Or sponsorship opportunities. Or something. I forget exactly what we are always looking for. Brand awareness? Something to do with synergy? I'll think of it eventually.

Anyway...we have now identified the libation which will now be the signature drink of Pointless Drivel. The perfect concoction with which to unwind after a hard day of work while you peruse this site and call out to your spouse (or pet) "Hey, he's really off his fucking rocker this time!"

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...the potato daquiri!
Refreshing and delicious and good for you. It's got it all!

Take two Idaho potatoes and toss 'em in the blender. Add about 24 ounces of rum. Add some grated cheese, and maybe some sour cream, some butter (or margarine for those of you watching your girlish figure), and a sprig or two of parsley.

Hit the button on that puppy* and watch it all magically transform itself into the stuff that dreams are made of!

Voila! Or Shazam! Or...I'll get back to you on that as well.

My renter, Jen, loves these. After just two of them, she will show you her Richard Nixon tattoo. It's really quite beautiful. If you have not yet visited her, pop on over and ask to see it.

Man, sounds so good I'm gonna mix up a batch right now. Can I get you one?

*When I say "puppy" I really mean the blender. Puppies have no buttons.

************************************************************************************************

I need someone to back me up here. I can't for the life of me remember how the subject came up the other day...oh wait, yes I do. They are building one of those adult superstores in a small town just north of here, and there has been talk that there will be live entertainment.

I offered, when it opened, to take Mrs. Fab there and buy her a lapdance. It did not compute.

"I don't want to watch you get a lapdance."

"No, not me, you."

"I don't want some guy rubbing up against me."

"No, a girl. I'll buy you a lapdance from a girl."

"What are you talking about? That's crazy! Some girl grinding on me? You're weird."

"No, it is a very common thing for couples to go to strip clubs and for women to get lapdances."

"No it isn't. You're out of your fucking mind! Again! What the fuck? You've got a replacement picked out when I die, you've got us moving to Holland with other women. Women giving women lapdances? You're crazy."

Am I right, people? Can I get an amen from somebody? She absolutely does not believe this happens.

In actuality I am not a strip club kind of guy. And I would never take her to one. And I would never buy her a lapdance. But once she acted so disbelieving, I just had to run with it.

Anyone?

I just woke up with this thought...

2006-06-24T05:20:00.000-04:00

Wouldn't it be great if you could send babies through the mail? Instead of getting a babysitter you could just mail the baby to yourself and get it back in a few days. Instead of putting baby on a bus to grandma's house, just mail it. Why aren't we doing this?

Some pictures to ruminate on...

2006-06-24T00:04:00.000-04:00

Hey, here is that picture of me wearing the wooden shoes. Mrs. Fab took the photo right after I got home from work, so you can still the lines from my dress socks. They must have been a little tight. But did you notice the important thing? Look how tan those babies are. I am a bronzed god! And I have the most fabulous pair of shoes!

Okay, now this would have been a good reason to have a kid. Not because of all the love and nurturing and teaching and bonding and all that other crap. No, the best reason to have a kid is so you can pose him in photos such as this:

Mandy was quite put off that I posted this picture. She thought it was totally disgusting. Have you ever heard the expression "Who pissed in your conflakes this morning?" I think we've answered that question here today, boys and girls.

Now here is a picture that my fiance, Dutchbitch sent me. It's a lemur with a mullet. She would not tell me where she got it from. I don't know if we should be keeping secrets from each other right off the bat...

My close personal friend Tricia sent me this lemur love pile picture a while ago, and I don't think I posted it. Or if I did, you're getting it again. Hey, what do you want, the blog is free, kids! Tricia is very tall, is a nurse, and has five blogs. That's all I'm sayin'.

Okay, get out and enjoy that weekend, my friends. But before you go, click on my renter, Jen. If you are really nice she may share with you her patented lovemaking technique that involves a fireplace poker, two pounds of butter, several small mice, some ground glass, and a lot of rubber bands.

Sexy!

It is a bear market for fabulousness...

2006-06-23T00:03:00.000-04:00

I saw this over at a round peg in a square hole earlier this week. Have you been over to see D? She's fabulous. In fact, when Mrs. Fab and I move to Holland, I might pick her to fill one of my three remaining wife slots. She's Canadian, so I think she'll speak the language. Well, I don't know what they speak up there above the border, but I'm sure it's gibberish of some kind...

Anyway...let me throw this out at you:

I am worth $1,719,666 on HumanForSale.com

It's a website at which you put in a lot of pertinent information about yourself, and it will calculate how much you are worth as a human being.

I was wicked disappointed. D was worth $2,034,060. She's Canadian. They ought to knock half a mil off right from the start for that.

Apparently, the market for fabulousness is not what it used to be. I am old and dried up. There is little left for me now but for my people to put me out on an ice floe and let me float away. I am not sure where they float away to. Maybe to Rhode Island. I should ask my renter, Jen. Or I would if she could hear my banging on the door. Once again she is playing her music too damn loud. You know, there are just some decibel levels at which John Tesh records should not be played. Go over there and ask her to turn the volume down, will you please? Maybe she'll listen to you.

So...when I was taking the test I was thinking the focus would be seeing if anyone could top how much I was worth. Obviously, I have had to switch my thinking on that. Now I'm wondering if anyone will prove to be worth less than me. I think that is the real question here.

How much are you worth? Let me know. Don't forget to answer the questions honestly...

Relationship Questions

2006-06-22T00:03:00.000-04:00

There have always been two things that have puzzled me for a long time about some relationships. One concerns bathroom habits and the other revolves around money. I don't understand either one.

It is a complete mystery to me why some couples feel comfortable going to the bathroom in front of each other. Especially #2. Isn't that taking the level of intimacy a little too far? Personally, I think some things should remain a mystery. Heck, sometimes I close the door if I'm just brushing my teeth. In my view, unless you are in prison, there is no real need to do your business in front of other people. Am I a prude?

What about you? Do you go to the bathroom in front of your spouse or significant other?

The other thing I have never understood is married couples who keep their finances separate. As soon as Mrs. Fab and I moved in together we pooled our money. I know married couples who split up the bills. One will be responsible for the mortgage and the food, and the other will be responsible for the utilities, clothes for the kids, and the car payment, for example. Separate accounts. I just don't get it. If you are going to make the commitment to marry someone, shouldn't sharing of the money be included with that? Haven't you already committed so much more?

How do you handle the money with your spouse or significant other?
Help me to understand. I want to! I have a thirst for knowledge!

I wonder what my renter thinks about this. Have you gone over to see Jen yet? I know she is from Rhode Island, but don't let that put you off. Rhode Island is very well known for...for...Rhode Island is the home of...of...hmmm...have I told you she's from Rhode Island?

If nothing else, pop over and see her and maybe she can explain why the hell she is in Rhode Island.

I got me a new tenant!

2006-06-21T00:01:00.000-04:00

Guess what I've got. No, not gonorrea. This time. No, a new tenant! Meet Jen of Casual Slack:

Okay, that's not really her. The only real pictures of her that I have are nudes. It was just her, me, and a bottle of MD 20/20. I will always remember those 27 minutes.

It was once again agony to choose a tenant, which is the reason I don't do it every week. I looked at offers from people not on my blogroll, but did not choose them for one reason or another. Mostly either it was because I didn't feel they were a great fit with what I think of as the typical Pointless Drivel reader or because they didn't have a habit of posting every day.

That left the offers from people on my blogroll, which included All-Night.Org, Noi Rocker, The Fifth Column, and Winged Emotion. I considered them pretty well known though, or at least I had known of them for a long time. Especially Tracy from Winged Emotion, who is practically a blogging icon as well as a battle whore :)

I finally went with Jen (although if I had read B's latest post beforehand, I may have gone with her regardless).

I have not known Jen as long as the others. She posts everyday, and her style is...different. She is not long on words, preferring pictures and videos for the most part. So that is a departure for me. But I like it. It's refreshing. I urge you to check her out. I would not be babbling about her otherwise!

Plus I kind of owe her for those 27 minutes. After we were done I hit her with a lamp and skipped out on paying for the room. I always felt bad about that.

We like a lot of the same movies, which is always a good sign. But then she lives in Rhode Island, which is a bad sign. Four of her favorite TV shows are the same as mine, which is another good sign. Yet she works in advertising, which is a bad sign. Or is that a good sign? I can never remember.

It is a troubling sign, however, that on her blogroll my blog is listed all in lowercase letters. It makes my blog look smaller than the others. I can't help but wonder if she is making a subtle comment about the size of my johnson. I don't see how she could even remember after all this time. I had heard she was in the hospital for eleven days after I hit her with the lamp.

Anyway, she is now renting a room from me. Strange how these things happen.

But Jen? I took all the lamps out of the room, and I'm locking my bedroom door at night. Don't get any ideas.

Well, I've given you about a half dozen chances to click over to her. If you haven't done it yet, go up and click on the thumbnail sketch. Do it for the Fabster, you know you want to.

And Jen? I've got friends coming over. Bring your A game for the next week, okay? No pressure :)

The shoes have arrived!

2006-06-20T00:03:00.000-04:00

Well, Dutchbitch said she was gonna do it, and she did it. My size fifteen wooden shoes came late yesterday! Ain't they pretty? It is hard to tell from the photos, but they are very yellow.

She had them customized just for me, with my name on the right one...

And my shoe size on the left one, for all to see...

Isn't she the greatest? I now love her. It's official.

I am not sure, but I have been doing some reading on the Dutch culture, and I am pretty sure that this gift signifies that Dutchbitch and I are now engaged. Now, I am of course already married, but that won't be a problem because as I understand it, the Dutch goverment allows you to have up to five wives. All I have to do is apply for dual citizenship.

Here is a picture of me kicking back and relaxing with the shoes on. Don't they look comfortable? Perfect for wearing at a dinner party, or just lounging around the house.

Note: Well stupid blogger won't let me upload the picture. I've tried about 20 times. Damn you, blogger, I hate you, I hate you!

They are pretty heavy. Someone had suggested to me that I post a picture with one of them hanging off my um...you know. And Lord knows I was so excited when I saw them that there was definite swelling in my nether regions, but they are really heavy. It's a lovely appendage, and comes in handy quite often, but a load bearing organ it is not.

I am really looking forward to the big move to The Netherlands. Of course, you will all be invited to the wedding ceremony. It is going to be tough deciding on who will be in the wedding party, but I am sure we can find a spot for some of you.

Here are a few other tidbits I came across when researching my soon to be adopted home country:

In times of severe drought or food shortage, Dutch parents are encouraged by the goverment to eat their young.
Not realizing that the word can also mean "a bank usually of earth constructed to control or confine water", thousands of lesbians flock to The Netherlands every year only to leave shortly thereafter, bitterly disappointed.
They worship Richard Simmons like a God over there.
The official mammal of The Netherlands is the guppy. Which speaks volumes right there.
The Dutch have 37 words for "nipple".
The Swiss Miss on the cocoa packages? She was a hooker.
Every member of the Dutch soccer team can reproduce asexually, like amoeba.
Upper class Dutch women douche with Yoo Hoo.
The virility of Dutch men is measured by how many meat products they can stuff in their trousers.
They are still pissed at the Swiss for totally stealing their idea for cheese.
Wooden shoes weren't always made of wood. In the beginning they were made from seaweed.
Belly button lint is the official currency.

I wrote this entire post while wearing the shoes. True story.

Dutchy, ik houd van u!

My epic project...

2006-06-19T00:04:00.000-04:00

About six months ago I got it into my head that it might be fun to re-write Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire using the names of all the bloggers on my blogroll, plus other ones I read regularly. I must have started and stopped the exercise a half dozen times. In my head it sounded easy, but in actuality, it was not. It was a huge pain in the ass to try to get everyone's name to fit and be in the right cadence, etc. I never got past half a stanza before giving up.

But I finally decided that I had to knuckle down and get it out of my system or it would drive me crazy. And I happy to say I have finally done it. There must be upwards of 125 names in this thing. And it's not perfect, but I have taken it as far as I can. If I forgot you, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

It probably would have taken a smarter person half the time.

I was going to take the time to link everyone as well, but I am just too exhausted.

If you don't like it, that's cool. Just don't tell me so. This took a long time!

My head hurts.

Fantastagirl, Tenacious T, Blonde Blogger, Big Pissy
Merlin Princess, Va Va Voom and Karaoke Queen
Melissa, Dawn, Jin and Pixie; Shelly, Gunn Girl, T and Dixie
Blogarita, Barefoot Cajun, Penguin is a teen

Karl, Zhadi, MC, Chelle; Shannon, Shannon, Blair and Mel
Anne R. Key and Lady K and life in Sherryland
Karlababble, Ficklechick, Noi and Kari, Jaws and Dick
Kentucky Girl and Bluepaintred, Luin and Soda Stand

We’re just a bunch of bloggers
And we’ve got a forum
Without much decorum
We’re just a bunch of bloggers
So just pay attention
And you’ll get a mention

My three sisters next are up; Shelli, Megan, and The Pup
Cranky Prof and Webmiztris, PeeBugg and Michele
Itchy, Marty, SomeGirl, D; Matt, Detroiter and KB
Serra, Sarah, Mike and Mike and Suze, Ben and Shell

Maven, Amber, and CeCe; Stacy, Beady, and Mimi
Attila, Cherish, and Brianne; wait there’s plenty more
Cissa, Bee’s Knees, and Jozee; Cat and Tricia and Sandi
DutchBitch and Rebecca and Tracy’s a battle whore

We’re just a bunch of bloggers
And we’ve got a forum
Without much decorum
We’re just a bunch of bloggers
So just pay attention
And you’ll get a mention

Lori, Katt, Heather, Deb; Spidey weaves a pretty web
Monique, Gary, Sudie Girl and Sherri
Schad and Sheryl, Nobody; Maidink, Shirley and 3T
Dream Walker, Nanuk; Pamela works on a book

CanadianSwiss, Jackass Jen; Kayla, Leave, and JKirlin
Ms. M, Billy, Belinda and CP
Angie, Ocean, Lynda, B.; Pud and Erin and Ginnie
Clo and Saur and Tabz; and Lorraine and Crazy

We’re just a bunch of bloggers
And we’ve got a forum
Without much decorum
We’re just a bunch of bloggers
So just pay attention
And you’ll get a mention

We’re just a bunch of bloggers
And it is forgone
We’ll post on and on and on, and on

Mrs. Fab is insisting that I should sing it. I have done my best to convince her that the world is not ready for that.

I have to go lay down now...

Overheard in the Fabmobile...

2006-06-18T00:04:00.000-04:00

On the way to breakfast on Sunday, approaching the curved access ramp for the highway, which is posted at 20 MPH:

Me: How fast do you think I can take this turn?
Mrs. Fab: I don't know.
Me: No come on, guess.
Mrs. Fab: 35.

We go into the turn

Me: Still at 40...37....37...38... Ha! Made it higher than 35!
Mrs. Fab: I'm so proud of you.
Me: I think that was sarcasm.
Mrs. Fab: Oh no, you're a real man.

Whereupon she collapses in a fit of uncontrollable laughter.

Heavy sigh.

Important safety tip...

2006-06-18T00:01:00.000-04:00

If you take Trazodone to help you sleep once in a while, and you want to go to bed early on a Friday night, and you take some Trazodone to make sure you sleep through the night, and your pills are 100 mg, it is not a good idea to take more than two.

Specifically, it is not a good idea to take five. 500 mgs of Trazodone will bring down a charging rhino I think.

I went to bed at 9 PM. I woke up at 7. It was like I was drunk. I was stumbling around, couldn't focus on anything, and was so fuzzy headed it wasn't funny. I held it together for 30 minutes, long enough to fix something to eat and read the comics.

Then it was back to bed. For another four hours.

I got up and took a shower, and Mrs. Fab and I went to lunch. She had to drive because I didn't trust myself. I was still pretty woozy.

We had plans for after lunch, but she had to bring me home, and I slept for another four hours.

That's more sleep than I usually get in three days. I pretty much lost most of the day.

And as I write this, it has been 24 hours since I took the Trazodone. And while I am fine sitting down, I am still a little shaky when I am walking around.

So...I guess if two pills are good, then five pills are not necessarily better. Who knew?

This has been a public service announcement.

We gotta get out of this place...

2006-06-17T07:24:00.000-04:00

I saw this on the always fabulous Dawn's site. I even copied the same picture she had, because I thought it was the best one available. Dawn is top shelf, all the way!

I have to tell you, this is diabolically addicting. My only hope is that by passing it on to others, I can appease its black soul and it will allow me to live my life once more unencumbered by the need to enter the maze...

Abandon all hope ye who enter here. Or something.

Don't do it...don't do it: Maze Frenzy.

I'm free! Free!

That's all you get from me today. What are you still doing inside? Go out and get a healthy glow by laying out in the sun. Help the economy by dropping a couple of C-notes at Wal-Mart. Satisfy your bloodlust by killing a hitchiker. Do something!

Oh wait, I'm not done yet. My weekly post is up at Devil's Advocate. You can read it here, but I would not recommend you do so if you are a cat lover or are one of those people who have no sense of humor. In fact, I would be surprised if I didn't lose some readers over that post.

Oh crap, I'm still not done because Tabz tagged me with a meme. Luckily it is a short one:

Five things in my refrigerator:
1. Coke Zero
2. Carrots (for the bunnies)
3. Barbeque sauce
4. Hard boiled eggs
5. Spicy mustard

(That caught me the night before grocery shopping, so the cupboard is pretty bare)

Five things in my closet:

1. A lot of ties I never wear
2. Three pairs of shoes; two brown, one black
3. Two belts; one brown, one black
4. Mrs. Fab's jewelry box
5. A pair of suspenders I never wear

Five things in my handbag (I don't have a handbag. How about my wallet?):

1. Seventeen dollars
2. My concealed weapons permit
3. My corporate credit card
4. My library card
5. My insurance card

Five things in my car:

1. My iPod hook up
2. My XM radio
3. Lots of gum
4. My umbrella
5. A baseball bat

Five people to tag:

1. Dick
2. Katt
3. GunnGirl
4. Marty
5. Shirley

Wow. I'm pretty boring. Back to bed for me.

Dramatic Reading: Baby Got Back

2006-06-16T00:04:00.000-04:00

Well, I don't know how dramatic the reading is. The song is pretty dramatic as it stands. I tried for less drama. Actually, what I tried to do was read it as the Whitest. Man. Ever.

I figured since my other post today is a trifle harsh, this lunacy would balance it out nicely.

This post is a request my sister Shelli made. If you have any complaints, please address them here.

Enjoy! (or not)

Oh, and I did my "Get to know me" post at All *Blog* Stars. You can read it here.

Dedication Friday : It's a workplace dedication!

2006-06-16T00:01:00.000-04:00

Wow, it's Friday and I have actually remembered to do Dedication Friday! But um...I don't know how that linky thing works, and I think I am the first one to do it today. Matt? You out there buddy?

I am dedicating this song to certain people where I work. I am not saying who they are, and I will entertain no speculation as to who they are when I return on Monday. Some of them may work at my present location, some of them may work at my future location. Some of them may read this blog, some of them may not. I ain't talkin'.

This song is meant as a general dedication, not literal, in that no one is actually trying to steal Mrs. Fab away from me. They better not be, anyway. Or I will strike them down with great vengeance and furious anger, you know what I'm saying?

But aside from that, the general sentiment of the song is the same. The workplace can be a treacherous place. I know many of you can relate. But I know who these people are. And you don't want to get on my bad side, believe me.

(What they do)
(They smile in your face)
All the time they want to take your place
The back stabbers (back stabbers)
(They smile in your face)
All the time they want to take your place
The back stabbers (back stabbers)

All you fellows who have someone
And you really care, yeah, yeah
Then it's all of you fellows
Who better beware, yeah yeah
Somebody's out to get your lady
A few of your buddies they sure look shady
Blades are long, clenched tight in their fist
Aimin' straight at your back
And I don't think they'll miss

(What they do)
(They smile in your face)
All the time they want to take your place
The back stabbers (back stabbers)
I keep gettin' all these visits
From my friends, yeah, what they doin to me
They come to my house
Again and again and again and again, yeah
So are they there to see my woman
I don't even be home but they just keep on comin'
What can I do to get on the right track
I wish they'd take some of these knives off my back

(What they do)
(They smile in your face)
All the time they want to take your place
The back stabbers(Back stabbers)
Low down, dirty

(What they do)
(They smile in your face)
Smiling faces
Smiling faces sometimes tell lies (back stabbers)
(They smile in your face)
I don't need low down
Dirty bastards (back stabbers)

It has been a while...

2006-06-15T00:03:00.000-04:00

...since I did a meme. But frankly, the old engine has been sputtering lately. I don't think it's writer's block exactly, but I haven't been in the best of moods lately, and it has caused me to have trouble coming up with posts. Mondays post sucked out loud, Tuesdays I had been meaning to do for a while, Wednesdays was one I started a little while ago, and today is a meme. So I've kinda been coasting a little bit lately. But I'm entitled, right? Hopefully it's still entertaining. Plus I have a four day weekend starting today, so I will strip down to my underwear, rub cocoa butter all over myself, and lay out in the backyard until the sun bakes some good post ideas into my head.

I saw this over at Deb's site a while back (see Deb? I remembered!) and knew it would come in handy. I'm not going to tag anyone, but feel free to grab it if you want.

What curse word do you use the most? Fuck, no question about it.
Do you own an iPod? You betcha, the big 40 gig one. Love it!
Who on your MySpace “Top 8” do you talk to the most? I am not on Myspace. Does that make me square? It seems that everyone is on there these days.
What time is your alarm clock set for? It's set for 4:30 AM, but I almost never use it.
What color is your room? Our bedroom is beige with one blue wall.
Flip flops or sneakers? Sneakers. I love my Birkenstocks, but those aren't really flip flops, are they?
Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture? I would usually rather take it. I don't need my soul stolen any more than it already has been.
What was the last movie you watched? We saw the latest X-men movie this past weekend. And the day before that we saw Mission Impossible 3. I wouldn't see either film again. Do any of your friends have children? At my age, of course.
Has anyone ever called you lazy? Hmm...I don't think so.
Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep faster? Yes, depending on how badly I need the sleep.
What CD is currently in your CD player? Wreck of the Day by Anna Nalick
Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk? I don't drink milk much anymore, but when I do it's usually skim milk.
Has anyone told you a secret this week? Yes. People tell me secrets all the time. A secret is safe with me.
Have you ever given someone a hickey? Yes, but it has been a while.
Who was the last person to call you? Becky from my dentist's office to tell me I had missed my appointment. I had written the time of the appointment down wrong.
Do you think people talk about you behind your back? I know that they do, and they can all go fuck themselves.
Did you watch cartoons as a child? I loved me some Bugs Bunny!
How many siblings do you have? I have one biological brother, and three cyber soul sisters. Are you shy around the opposite sex? Not generally.
What movie do you know every line to? The Blues Brothers. Try me.
Do you own any band t-shirts? I do not.
What is your favorite salad dressing? Bleu cheese. Yum!
Do you read for fun? All the time, but not as much as I used to.
Do you cry a lot? That's classified.
Who was the last person to text message you? Shelli, but she sent it to the wrong number :)
Do you have a desktop computer or a laptop? I have both, but I spend 98% of my time on the laptop.
Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoo? Not really. I think about it once in a while, but never do it.
What is the weather like? Sunny and hot and humid. Typical weather for Florida in June.
Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos? I would tend to doubt it, but who knows. Wait, this is assuming I'm not married anymore, right?
Is sex before marriage wrong? Sex before marriage is vital.
When was the last time you slept on the floor? Probably the day or two before we moved to Florida from South Carolina. Mrs. Fab was already here, and the furniture left before I did, so I spent a day or two on the floor of the old apartment.
How many hours of sleep do you need to function? It varies. It's best if I at least get six. Are you in love or lust? Why not both?
Are your days full and fast-paced? Not lately, but they can be. It all depends on what is going on.
Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages? I usually do, yes.
How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 45, but not until next year thank you very much. And I still haven't grown up.
Are you picky about spelling and grammar? Yes, but I still make mistakes.
Have you ever been to Six Flags? I don't think so. I'm not much of an amusement park guy. Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex? Generally with the opposite sex. but I like to think I can get along with anyone.
Do you like cottage cheese? I do. Do you have any?
Do you sleep on your side, tummy, or back? Mostly on my tummy, sometimes on my side, never on my back.
Have you ever bid for something on eBay? Lots of times, although not in a while.
Do you enjoy giving hugs? Yes I do, but I don't do it too often except with Mrs. Fab.
What song did you last sing out loud? Use Me by Bill Withers. It was on my XM radio. I love that song.
What is your favorite TV show? Hmm...I don't watch much TV regularly. I would say The Office.
Which celebrity, dead or alive, would like to have lunch with? David Letterman or Tony Kornheiser.
Last time you had butterflies in your stomach? Hmm...that doesn't happen too often, even when I am speaking or performing (like with the Blues Brothers presentation), so I can't remember.
What one thing do you wish you had? The ability to just stay at home full time and write and blog.
Favorite lyrics? The song that first comes to mind is Seven year Ache by Rosanne Cash.

Okay...now where is that cocoa butter? Anyone want to rub it on me?

This is getting ridiculous...

2006-06-14T00:02:00.000-04:00

It's bad enough I have to see this plate while I'm driving around:

This piece-of-shit-anti-abortion-masquerading-as-a-pro-adoption license plate. It pisses me off whenever I see a car with one.

And now, the other day, for the first time, I saw this plate:

What the fuck? How long has this plate been out there?

And what exactly is the definition of family values? I know what they want the definition to be.

I'm not going to go off on a whole rant here, but I'll say this: If I want to live in South Beach with my lover Todd, who is a bodybuilder from Montana, and we want to frolic in the surf and have tickle fights with feather dusters and dance naked to Andy Williams tunes in our living room and read erotic passages from Dr. Seuss books and rub strawberry jelly all over ourselves and have lemurs lick it off then damn it, those are my family values!

And if we are responsible, law-abiding citizens who work and pay taxes and in general are just trying to live our lives the way we choose and we aren't hurting anybody, than leave us the fuck alone.

How about we concentrate on getting out of Iraq? Or getting the price of oil and prescription drugs down to a reasonable level? Or feeding the hungry and clothing the homeless and educating the children?

Unfuckingbelievable.

Geez, yesterday I was all romantic and mushy, and today I'm all outraged and political. Where did the funny guy go?

Who's got soul? Mrs. Fab does...

2006-06-13T00:05:00.000-04:00

A number of weeks ago Matt from Meltwater. Torrents. Meanderings. Delta. created Dedication Friday. The idea is that you pick a song and dedicate it to someone and explain why. Of course, I'm such a bubblehead that every week I forget that it's Dedication Friday, and so I haven't done it yet.

All About Soul was a cut on Billy Joel's River of Dreams album that came out in 1993. From the moment I heard it I thought it fit my wife perfectly. This may surprise you, but Mr. Fabulous is not always the easiest person to live with. I may be fabulous, but I am not perfect (shocker!). And I can be a withdrawn, moody fellow (heck, Jennifer at work can tell you that). Especially lately.

Mrs. Fabulous is my rock. I am so lucky that we found each other all those years ago. I shudder to think where I would be today if not for her, and if God forbid anything should happen to her I shudder to think of how I would end up down the line.

This one is for you, baby. I love you.

All About Soul

She waits for me at night, she waits for me in silence
She gives me all her tenderness and takes away my pain
And so far she hasn't run, though I swear she's had her moments
She still believes in miracles while others cry in vain

It's all about soul
It's all about faith and a deeper devotion
It's all about soul'
Cause under the love is a stronger emotion
She's got to be strong
'Cause so many things getting out of control
Should drive her away
So why does she stay?
It's all about soul

She turns to me sometimes and asks me what I'm dreaming
And I realize I must have gone a million miles away
And I ask her how she knew to reach out for me that moment
And she smiles because it's understood there are no words to say

It's all about soul
It's all about knowing what someone is feeling
The woman's got soul
The power of love and the power of healing
This life isn't fair
It's gonna get dark, it's gonna get cold
You gotta get tough, but that ain't enough
It's all about soul

There are people who have lost every trace of human kindness
There are many who have fallen, there are some who still survive
She comes to me at night and she tells me her desires
And she gives me all the love I need to keep my faith alive

It's all about soul
It's all about joy that comes out of sorrow
It's all about soul
Who's standing now and who's standing tomorrow
You've got to be hard
Hard as the rock in that old rock 'n' roll
But that's only part, you know in your heart
It's all about soul

Muddled Mindless Manic Monday Musings

2006-06-12T00:02:00.000-04:00

I came across this Advertising Slogan Generator. I can't remember where I saw it, or else I would give credit. It may have been while surfing at BlogMad. You type in a word, or a name, and it gives you a slogan. I really liked mine:

Now I just need to find define what The Mr. Fabulous Effect is. It would totally suck to have a cool slogan like that with nothing to attach it to. Hmm...

I want to thank all you guys for showing my renter, DutchBitch so much love over the last week. Her time with me is almost up as I write this. A ton of you went over to pay her a visit, and I appreciate it. I knew you would like her. I am glad that I was able to do something for someone from The Netherlands. We have a come a long way since we kicked the crap out of them in WWII. Wait, that doesn't sound right. I'm thinking of Norway, I think. Fucking Norway.

However, she is not getting her cleaning deposit back. It looks like she's been practicing animal sacrifices back there. It's probably part of her religion, but even so. You ever try to get goat's blood out of Berber carpet? It's gonna be a bitch. So it might be a week or so before the room will be ready to rent to someone else.

You may have noticed that now my blogroll is one big long ass list. No more food groups. The truth can now be told, the groups were little more than just a way to keep track of which blogs I had read during a particular time. But I have recently switched over from Blogrolling to Bloglines, on my sister's advice, and I find Bloglines to be far superior as I am able to bring up my feed page and tell at a glance which blogs have new posts and how many of them there are. So now it is a snap to know where to go.

If it has been a day or two since I have been to your blog, I will get there, I promise. There are another ten or twelve blogs I like that I want to add to the blogroll but I think I'm at the point where if I add much more I won't be able to keep up.

Can you guess what I have today at noon? A board meeting. I have been named to the Board of Directors for a local non profit agency. Can you imagine that? Me? Hard enough to believe that a goofball like me is a corporate manager, let alone a board member. Kind of makes you lose respect for these organizations, doesn't it?

I continue to be a guest bloggin' fool. While my sisters are cavorting in the sand and surf and are being pampered at the spa, I have done guest posts on both their blogs for today. I am not sure when they will be up, but Shelli's blog is here, and Megan's blog is here. I also have contributed an Athena topic and question to Pud's site, which can be found here (I'm not sure when hers will be up either).

That about catches me up for guest posts, although I am doing one for Tabz on June 24, and I will still be entertaining my dark side on Jin's site every Saturday. Busy busy busy.

It has been a while since I have done an audio post. I promised Shelli I would do a dramatic reading of Baby Got Back, so I need to get to that. I will also repeat my offer that if anyone wants me to do an audio post that they can put on their blog, let me know. Of course, you might want to ask Dawn and Katt if that's a good idea first!

I think when my new site goes live I'm going to have one of those obligatory 100 Things About Me pages. I am not at all put off by the fact that I have yet to see one of these pages on a blog belonging to a male blogger. Let's face it, I'm only a couple of Movies of the Week away from being a woman anyway. Or one meaningful one night stand with a dockworker from being gay, for that matter.

I know no one cares about this except me, but as I write this I am 20 games ahead in first place in my fantasy baseball league. I totally rock. I try to be a good sport about it though. Oh, and Sharra and Eric, if you are reading this, suck on it, chumps! I say that with love, of course.

I changed my avatar, but I am still not in love with it. I am having trouble finding one I like. Does anyone know of any good sites to get them from, or a good site where you can pay to have one made?

Okay, that's about it. This is has been a fairly long post for being about nothing. Don't work too hard this week. I know I won't--I've got Thursday and Friday off. Four day weekend coming up. Life is good!

And don't forget to keep your eyes peeled for...

Can't hit a home run everytime...

2006-06-11T00:15:00.000-04:00

I'm doing a little more housecleaning on all those drafts I still have that have piled up. I have deleted a few of them for good (trust me, they weren't worth your time) and I'm posting two of them today. Nothing special, just a couple of neat things that caught my eye in my travels.

Work is progressing nicely on my new digs, and I need to get rid of some stuff so I don't have to move it. You know how it is.

I forgot to mention that I did my usual Saturday guest post over at Jin's. If you want to check it out, it's a short one. I don't think any of you are on the list I talk about. Well, maybe that guy over there...

My renter is only with me for another day, so if you have not yet been over to see her, please do, she's in the room at the end of the hall. You better knock first, though. I think she's in there with a couple of UF students and my neighbor's collie.

I don't ask questions.

I find that a post on Sunday isn't complete without a vague reference to bestiality, don't you agree?

My sisters Shelli and Megan are staying out of trouble so far this weekend down in South Florida. I've got lawyers and bailbondsmen on speed dial, but so far they've been behaving themselves, thank God.

The soundtrack of my life...

2006-06-11T00:05:00.000-04:00

http://www.hotfreelayouts.com/music.php

It's a start, anyway. I bet some of your favorites are here too.

Oh the places I've gone...umm..not so much.

2006-06-11T00:02:00.000-04:00

create your own visited states map

Apparently I have an issue about crossing the Mississippi. Maybe I can't. Maybe the government has installed one of those invisible fences and implanted a chip in my brain. That would be just like those bastards!

Actually, we have been to Arkansas, but for just a couple of miles until...no. I can't say anything bad about Arkansas. One more disparaging comment about Arkansas and Belinda has threatened track me down and have me executed. Can't have that.

Actually, anything that can be said about Arkansas can probably be said twice for Florida.

Anyway, I don't count Arkansas.

I guess it's also apparent from this map that I don't like to fly. But I've already talked about that.

I have become one of "those" people...

2006-06-10T04:20:00.000-04:00

God help me.

Okay, it was on Sunday you may remember that I first took posession of my precioussss:
Well, I have some bad news.

No, my precioussss is fine. I am slowly getting the hang of it, and I fall deeper and more madly in love with it every day.

But...it's heavier than a regular cell phone. And it's a little harder to hear when I'm talking. And, umm..you know, safety concerns and all...

Okay, I did it. I went out yesterday and bought one of those obnoxious bluetooth earpieces. I am now one of those people I have always made fun of. Those dorks walking around with this little blue earpiece wrapped around their ear, like they're soooo hip and self important.
Well, I've uh...kinda changed my viewpoint on that.

Mrs. Fab hates them too. In fact, when we were picking it out she emphatically told me that the one condition I could have the PDA under was that I could not get an earpiece for it.

I had to sit her down the other day to plead my case. I was so grave and serious about it that I'm pretty sure before I said what was on my mind she was thinking that I was going to tell her that I was gay, or that I have a collection of human heads, or that I really do keep lemurs in the shed and go out there at night to do unnatural things to them.

By the time I blurted out my need for an earpiece she was so relieved that she agreed.

Sigh...as if I didn't have enough angst and self-loathing. Now I have an earpiece. I hate myself.

Still and all, it's pretty cool :)

Guest Bloggin' Fool

2006-06-09T03:27:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I did an audio post for Dawn at So a Blonde Walks Into a Blog. If you are feeling brave, you can go ahead and listen to it here.

Only slightly less disturbing is the guest post I did for Katt at Kattbanjo. You can find that here.

My two youngest sisters are going to have a reunion today, as Shelli is flying to spend a long weekend with Megan. They'll be here in Florida, but still really far away, so Mrs. Fab and I won't get a chance to see them, which is a bummer. But when Shelli's family is here in October I we'll at least get to see her and Jason. I'll be doing guest posts for both of them while they are at the spa (or in prison) , and I think they will both be up Monday. I'll let you know.

I hope Megan has plenty of whipped cream available (see below).

Have you gone to see my renter yet? She came in late and really drunk last night and urinated in the potted plant by the front door in the foyer. Then she threw up in the fireplace. Then she swallowed and ate three of our goldfish and stumbled off to bed. Is this what it's like over in Holland? Damn!

I hope to catch up on everyone's blogs today. I was going to do it yesterday but Blogger had other plans.

If you will excuse me, I have a potted plant I need to throw out. Eww....someone has been eating asparagus...

Won't someone please help my sister?

2006-06-09T03:23:00.000-04:00

I need your help. I am at my wit's end. I am out of answers. I don't know where else to turn.

You all know my sister, Lil' Fab. Well, she's got a monkey on her back. She is in the clutches of a savage and crippling addiction. She is a whipped creamaholic. Very rare.

You know what she has for breakfast every single day? A cup of coffee with whipped cream on top. And not just a little whipped cream. A LOT of whipped cream. And she just keeps adding more as it melts. A full can will only get her through three cups of coffee.

She has a refrigerator in the basement just for whipped cream. We found her down there one day, splayed out all over the floor, half delirious, empty cans all around her. She just kept mumbling over and over again "Reddi wip, Reddi wip, Reddi wip, Reddi wip..." as her eyes rolled back into her head.

She puts it on popcorn. She puts it on steak. She puts it on lasagna. When she drives the kids to school in the morning she takes a can with her and keeps spraying it on the steering wheel and licking it off. It's gotten so bad that her poor husband Jason can only get her to kiss him now if he rubs some whipped cream on his lips and around his mouth. It is so sad.

If she was huffing the nitrous oxide, I could understand that. Heck, I'd even join her. But no, she just craves the sweet sweet cream.

Is there a twelve step program I can get her into?

Why is this girl sad?

2006-06-08T00:15:00.000-04:00

Could it be because she got her ass kicked by someone twice her age in a best of five pool match?

In a rematch of our December competition that my friend Robin had won 3-1, I swept her 3 games to zip yesterday afternoon.

Who's next? Name the stakes.

By the way, if you haven't clicked on my renter, please do so now. If we show her enough love she has promised to show Mrs. Fab and I the red light district if we ever get over to Holland. And I think she agreed to a three way with us, but I might have to double check on that.

Mrs. Fab is always thinking of others...

2006-06-08T00:10:00.000-04:00

We had so much garbage left over from the party a couple of weeks ago that I couldn't fit it all in our regular can. And I forgot to get some yellow city bags for the overflow, so I had two cans of garbage fermenting over the past week. We finally did pick some up on Monday so I could bag it up for collection. There was a sense of urgency, you see, as maggots had taken over the two auxiliary cans.

After purchasing the bags:

Me: I'll take care of this when we get home.
Mrs. Fab: Good!
Me: You know, you could help me if you wanted.
Mrs. Fab: Why would I do that?
Me: It would be a nice thing to do.
Mrs. Fab: If I helped, I would end up vomiting and just making more food for the maggots to eat.
Me: (pause) I think that would be a nice gesture.

Overheard at Casa del Fab...

2006-06-08T00:05:00.000-04:00

On our way out to our cars one morning a few weeks ago:

Me: It looks like some birds have been pooping in our driveway
Her: Maybe it was some of our party guests
Me: I don't know...I guess I better sniff the spoors

We interrupt the usual nonsense...

2006-06-07T00:03:00.000-04:00

There will be no yuks today. This will be a yuk-free post. I am taking a break from my usual snarky, sarcastic, smarmy, sexy, goofy, fun-loving self (that's right, I said sexy) to direct your attention to a blog which deserves your attention, a blog that has more heart and substance in a single post than mine does in an entire month's worth of archives.

Please do me a favor and check out Laurianne's Hope. Some of you may know Lynda from her blog Lynda's Great Journey. Laurianne's Hope is a living, loving tribute to Laurianne maintained by Lynda, her sister, and Henry, her father.

Laurianne died on October 22, 2005 of lung cancer. She was 25 years old. She left behind not only her parents and sister, but also her infant son, Calem. Calem turned one year old this past Monday.

Laurianne never smoked in her life. She grew up in a non-smoking household. Lung cancer does not only claim the lives of smokers.

What was Laurianne's hope?

I am amazed how many people are affected. I read that 1 in 3 people will be diagnosed with cancer at some point in their life! I hope that Calem and his generation will not have to worry about cancer as much as we do. ~ Laurianne Koning

Laurianne's Hope is a valuable resource for information regarding cancer in general and lung cancer in particular. There is information on how to quit smoking and there are links to sites where you can purchase books about cancer. But it is so much more than that.

It is a loving testament to Laurianne by those who knew her best and loved her most. It is about her courage, her strength, and the depth of her resolve. It is about her son Calem. You cannot read through the posts and not be moved by this brave woman's struggle, and the determination of those she left behind to carry on and work toward finding a cure while keeping her memory very much alive.

I have worked in blood banking for nearly six years, and so I am very well aquainted with cancer patients. And really, who among us has not been touched by cancer? Everyone has at least one relative, friend, neighbor, or coworker who has been afflicted with some form of cancer. And chances are you know more than one person.

I urge you to get involved. Donate blood and platelets with your local blood center. Sign up to be an organ and tissue donor. Get on the bone marrow registry.

There is a place on the site to donate money to support the team that Laurianne's loved ones have put together for the Relay for Life of Santa Rosa on September 9th and 10th of this year.
I will be donating today. If you can afford to do the same, please do.

Look, I'm a clown for the most part. You know it, and and I know it. But this is something I don't clown around about. It is no laughing matter. I will be back to my usual foolishness tomorrow. But today, please do me a favor and take some time to check out Laurianne's Hope.
I would appreciate it, and I know it would mean a lot to those dedicated to keeping Laurianne's memory alive.

Thank you.

Dutch Treat!

2006-06-06T04:31:00.000-04:00

You like that title? Took me all of yesterday to think that one up!

Meet my new renter, DutchBitch of * DutchyFul * DutchyLicious * DutchyBitchious *

In case you haven't figured it out, she's Dutch. Yet, she is also from Holland. And The Netherlands.

Wait a minute. Why so many names for one country? What are they hiding?

You will love DutchBitch. She's a sexy, sassy, single mom and since she is Dutch, I figure she um...must raise tulips for a living. Or something. Because I think tulips are Holland's number one export, just ahead of wooden shoes and gonorrea. But I might be wrong about the gonorrea. It might be chlamydia.

DutchBitch, by the way, is the one you need to blame for that hideous audiopost I did. I am sure several of you have had to enter therapy because of that post, and for that I apologize, but I have no intention of footing those medical bills.

She is sending me a pair of size 15 wooden shoes as a thank you for doing that post. I look forward to posting a picture of them. Or of me in them. Or me in them in a provocative pose. Maybe me in the nude except for the wooden shoes and a strategically placed tulip bulb...

In any event, while you try to digest that mental picure, click over and show her some love!

Don't make me beg. You don't want to see me beg. It ain't pretty!

A word about yesterday's post...

2006-06-06T04:29:00.000-04:00

I lied about the cookies.

You may line up and paddle me, if you wish.

Most neurotic landlord EVER (and lots of other news)

2006-06-05T00:02:00.000-04:00

Lots of links to other bloggers in this post. Quite frankly, I'm exhausted. Pack a lunch for this post. If you make it all the way through, including guest posts, there's a fresh baked chocolate chip cookie in it for you.

It was time to be a landlord again. So the first question was how much to charge, and the second question was who to rent to.

I had done, quite frankly, an awesome job for Cat of Living with Multiple Personalities fame. The stats were excellent, for which I had charged 100 credits. I had worked like a dog to promote that Cat.

Pardon me while I chuckle over that last sentence (giggle). How do I come up with this stuff?

Anyway, I set my price at 175 credits and I listed my place for rent again. I received three offers. They were from Casual Slack, All-Night.org. and Meltwater. Torrents. Meanderings. Delta. I know B from All Night, and I know Matt from MTMD. I didn't know Jen from Casual Slack, but I have quickly become a fan.

By the way, if you want to see the guest post I did for Matt yesterday click here. It's all about what a bold, daring, man of adventure I am. Don't snicker. I hear snickering!

Anyway, while I was agonizing over who to pick among the three, because they are all awesome blogs, I got an email from a dear, dear friend of mine (I'm hoping that second "dear" will keep her from kicking my ass). This was the same dear friend who took me to task on the audioblogs and thought my time might be better spent blogging more about anal rape. Let's call her Anal Rape Girl, or ARG for short.

Did I mention she is a dear, dear friend? I do that because she knows where I live.

Anyway, she took me to task again. This time for charging 175 credits. She thought I was greedy. Well, she was wrong about that. But she was right about a lot of other things. She did a Jewish guilt number on me like you wouldn't believe.

I hate it when she is right. Well, she wasn't right about everything. But what I took away from the conversation with ARG is this: I should use the relative popularity of my blog to promote lesser known blogs who are I feel are deserving of a wider readership.

So I cancelled that offer. Which is where my apology to B, Jen, and Matt comes in. And I created a new offer, and only charged 10 credits, so everyone could afford it, not just us big shots who play BOTB all day. And I received a flood of offers. Some blogs I knew, some I didn't. I meant to change my offer message to make it clear exactly what I was looking for, but I forgot.

Then I cursed ARG, because now I had 30 to try to pick from, rather than 3. What the heck was I gonna do?

Then, after I thought I had made a decision, I forgot that the bids people put in expire after 24 hours. The next time I checked, half the bids had expired, including the one from the blog I was going to choose. Dammit! This was becoming quite an ordeal!

So I cancelled the offer again. I apologize to everyone who bid. I love you all, even those I don't know yet. Can I offer you a complimentary lemur?

Before I go to work this morning, I am going to load up another offer. This time I'll try not to screw it up. Here is my offer message:

I am looking to promote funny and/or interesting sites that deserve wider readership, that's why I charge the minimum. No heavy hitters please. This is my version of performing community service :)

And when I get home tonight I'll pick one. No offer will expire. And tomorrow I will have a new tenant and will post a big hearty welcome.

Plus by only charging 10 credits? I don't have to work as hard. Hee hee.

Just kidding.

My friend Tricia, whom I love (I'm renting from her this week) sent me this awesome picture of a big ole pile of lemurs in a hot furry lovefest, but stupid Blogger won't let me post the picture. I hope these sort of issues will be taken care of when I make the move to Wordpress.

Plus my friend Monique from the very cool named When We Were Liars, Things Were Seemless sent me this link to hot breaking lemur news. I am basking in the lemur love from my fellow bloggers!

By the way, work is progressing on the new template. I have approved the header. Both Mrs. Fab and Shelli have said they liked it. So we must be doing something right.

Oh yeah, before I forget. I have still been doing my Saturday guest posts for Jin, but I haven't mentioned them because they have been a little dark and a little personal. But what the hell. I think I am going to become a little more open on this site anyway, so if you want to read them you can do so here and here.

This guest posting is becoming quite a little side project for me. I am going to ask Calista to create a page for me on the new site where I can list them all.

I am thinking about exporting some audio posts. I get so many request for them, mostly from agoraphobes, shut-ins, and the mentally ill, I assume. I get too many requests to post on my own site, frankly. But here is what I will do:

If Dawn wants me to sing Shania Twain's Man, I Feel Like a Woman or Katt wants me to scream out a battle cry of Mooooooooood Nippppppples! I will be happy to do it for you and send the html to you so you can post it on your own blog or use it however you want. I think it might only work if you blog through Blogger though, although I could be wrong about that. There may be a way to post it through other platforms, but I don't know what they are.

I am hoping that next weekend I can get that software up and running where I don't have to sing acapella.

Okay, I think everyone is up to date. I am still working on being all I can be with my new PDA. It's gonna be a bumpy ride. There is this whole thing where I need to sync up the PDA with my computer...very confusing. I'll get there eventually.

Oh, and you may have noticed that the food sections of the blogroll are no more. It is the first step in my move from Blogrolling to Bloglines. I used to break it up to keep better track of how I was keeping up with everyone's blogs. But thanks to my sister I have been turned on to the superior tracking ability of Bloglines, and I'm not looking back.

Okay, it's a new week people! Let's be careful out there!

My precioussssss...

2006-06-04T00:15:00.000-04:00

Isn't it beautiful? It's my Verizon wireless XV6700 pocket PC. I am in looooove.

I haven't had a personal cell phone in many years. I have a company cell phone that I never use much, and if I needed to make a rare personal phone call I could always use that.

But I felt the need to get away from that. I needed my own phone. I want to be able to talk and text with my blogging buddies. I can't do that on my company phone.

Mrs. Fab, bless her heart, insisted I get a PDA. She knows how much time I spend online. Plus, when I transfer to the branch I will in all liklihood lose my internet access. I would have no way of keeping up with my email and comments. Well, now I do.

I have 1350 anytime minutes per month, unlimited text messaging, and unlimited internet surfing. This may be old hat for some of you, but not to me. Cell phones have come a long way since I last had one!

Check out the glorious details:

General Features:64 MB RAM/128 MB Flash Bluetooth Enabled Flash Camera (1.3M Pixel) w 8x digital zoomDisplay - 240x320 (65K Colors)E-mail and Internet Access QWERTY Keyboard Removable Memory Slot - MiniSDSpeakerphone 6.5 oz. 5.20H x 2.32W x 0.93D inches

MS Windows Mobile 5.0 Features:Microsoft Activesync Microsoft Media Player Microsoft Office Excel MobileMicrosoft Pocket Internet Explorer Microsoft Office Outlook MobileMicrosoft Office Word MobileMicrosoft Office Powerpoint Mobile

Network & Usage Features:1XEVDO (Broadband Internet)1XRTT WiFi Up to 300 Minutes Usage Time Up to 200 Hours Stand by Time

I plan to devote a significant chunk of time today learning the ins and outs of this beauty.

And I'll be sharing my number with those of you who need it.

I'm in heaven.

More about my sisters

2006-06-04T00:05:00.000-04:00

The picture is becoming clearer.

First of all, it is flattering that so many folks out there wish they were part of our little family. I wish we could adopt you all. But Thanksgiving and Christmas are already gonna be a nightmare.
When we were growing up, Pup was the trouble maker. If you don't believe me, here is part of a chat that Shelli and I had yesterday:

Mr. Fabulous: You are the best sister EVER
Mr. Fabulous: Except for when you used to dress me up
Shelli: I think that Pup was the evil one
Shelli: She did most of the dressing up
Mr. Fabulous: I think so too. She was the ringleader of you three
Shelli: Me and my twin Megan just watched
Shelli: And giggled
Mr. Fabulous: Huh, so you are blameless?
Shelli: Yes of course
Mr. Fabulous: You were enablers
Shelli: LOL

That Pup, so cruel to me when we were growing up. Oh, by the way, I finally got that picture to load. They claimed I liked it when they dressed me up, but I don't seem very happy here.

And as long as I am sharing pictures, here is one of the twins, Shelli and Megan. Aren't they adorable?

And Pup? Well, Pup was always the black sheep of the family:

But we love her anyway, despite some of the um...choices she has made in life.

Comments? I get comments...

2006-06-03T00:02:00.000-04:00

I usually try to respond to everyone's comments, but I've had a lot going on in my life the last few days and I am dreadfully behind on everything. I want to get cracking on catching up on everyone's blogs, so in this case I am just going to respond to a few of the comments here, as most of them centered around a few themes, and I have a few thoughts about them. Starting with this post, I will be getting back to responding to each comment individually.

First, the other day, I received not a comment but an email from a dear friend who suggested that with the Dutch song post I have perhaps "jumped the shark" with the audio blogging, and that I ought to not do it anymore.

I think hers is the minority opinion, because I get so many positive comments about it, and a lot of requests. However, I must admit that I am somewhat baffled by the popularity of them. Either I have no idea what people find entertaining, or you are all just being nice because you've gotten your hands on my psychological profile and realize that it is best not to aggravate me with negative comments, lest I go on the tri-state killing spree I am always threatening.

Now, in the same email, she suggested that I might want to blog more about anal rape. She found that to her liking. So, being the borderline genius I am (according to absolutely no one) I hit upon a brilliant idea. Why not combine the two?

What do you think about an audio post of me being anally raped? Is that pushing the envelope, or what? Is blogdom ready for that?

Now all I need is a volunteer...

*************************************************************************************
A lot of folks commented that I would be more at ease if I took something to relieve my anxiety about everything that encompassed taking a plane trip.

The problem with that is, that I'm pretty sure you have to take that stuff a couple hours before the plane takes off, don't you? I don't see how I could get to the airport and do all that stuff if I was on some sort of medication. I would need someone to take me there and set me up, and then someone to meet me when I landed.

Seems like a lot of trouble.

*************************************************************************************
Thanks for all the kind words about my three sisters, Shelli, Megan, and Pup. Pup seems pretty sure that they did play dress-up with me back when we were growing up. If that is true, I must have repressed it. And I can understand why. If I was the younger brother, it's understandable that they would take advantage of me in that fashion. But I am the oldest sibling so that can only mean one thing.

I liked it.

In fact as I was going through some photo albums I found a picture y'all might find interesting. But blogger won't let me post it for some reason.

For some reason, I have an urge to listen to some Culture Club tunes.

*************************************************************************************

Kari wrote:

I feel all alone. I have no cyber siblings. If I let you wear my panties can I be related too??

Please email for the address to send them to. I am sure we can work something out.

Beadinggalinms wrote:

Do you prefer fishnet stockings or regular ones? I kinda wanna see ya in the fishnets ok dammit I do want to see ya in fishnets.

Ask your sister Lori. She has some 8X10's she's been hiding from you.

And many of you had the same reaction to the anal rape post:

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Open your mind, people!

*************************************************************************************

I'll be by to see ya'll Saturday. I hope everyone has an awesome weekend. Win the lottery. Have an orgy. Shave your pets. Chop down a tree. Reupholster a chair. Whip up a tasty meatloaf. Live a little!

What am I?
	Gay.
	A thirteen year old girl.
	A playful, sensitive guy.
	Confused. Very confused.
	Possibly a danger to himself and others.
	In need of therapy.
	The. Coolest. Guy. Ever.
	Someone I need to keep away from my kids.
	Clearly a misunderstood genius.
	The only man I'll ever love.

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